So You Like My Daughter eh?

Monday, November 03, 2008 Posted In , , , , , , , , , , Edit This 5 Comments »
In light of M.'s recently acquired 'Chick Magnet' status and A.'s impending hormone wave, we thought it pertinent to plan for the inevitable "dating" (I hate that word!), because in my opinion, it's never too early to prepare.
I am departing somewhat from her father's instructions, given the day A. was born. When I handed him his newborn baby girl the first thing he sternly told those little blue eyes was, "...These are the rules: No boys." (He really did!) However, I do want her to get married when she is thirty-five or so; so this is the application form we will be requiring all prospective "dates" to fill out prior to approval of the event. Once we have approved the date, further instructions will be provided.

Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage and medical report from your doctor.
Name:___________________ Nickname/Alias:___________________
Date Of Birth:____/____/____ height:___ Weight:____ I.Q.:___ G.P.A.:____Soc. Sec.#______-___-_______
Driver's License#____________ Boy Scout Rank:_________
Home Address:_______________________________
Cell Phone#:_________ MySpace: ______________ Facebook:_________
Do you own a. Van?___b. Truck with oversized tires?___
c. Car with a trunk full of speakers?_____
Do you have any of the following: a. An earring__ b. nose ring__
c. belly button ring__ piercings on any other body parts___
Explain:_______________________________ Tattoo?______

If you answered YES to any of the above questions, discontinue and leave the premises immediately.
Ward you attend_________How often______ Best time to interview your Bishop _____
Please fill in the blanks:
a. If I were beaten, the last bone I want broken is: ____________________________________________________
b. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me is: ____________________________________________________
c. Now answer the question you filled in on b: ____________________________________________________
I swear that all information provided above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, dismemberment, electrocution, and/or hot pokers. Signature_____________

Thank you for your interest. Please allow 4 - 6 years for processing. If your application is approved, you will be contacted in writing. If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two men wearing black suits and answering to the names "Gus" and "Louie".


(Thanks to GranGran
for most of this content.)

5 brilliant observations:

Cheryl said...

Now on the "if you were beaten, what is the last bone you would want broken" part, is that b/c that is the first bone you will break?
All I can picture is you racking your shotgun... (:

R Max said...

Are you crazy? I don't want people to know I have a Remington 870 Express 12-gauge shotgun in my house!

Cheryl said...

You are funny. (Is that better) oops 6 words, how can I ever do this?

Cheryl said...

I like new blog.

Maria said...

Love the application..great idea!