Since you are new to the job of Boss of America, I am giving you some pointers that will help you to win everlasting appreciation from your constituents. Here is the list. You may want to start moving out on it now. You should:
- Cancel daylight saving. I can't get the hang of it. I keep turning up to church one hour early or one hour late. Cows don't like it either.
- Outlaw broad beans. I never liked those.
- Ban fake grass. What the heck?
- Make profanity illegal and censor all movies to PG.
- Rename celebrity babies ... Pilot Inspektor, Fifi Trixibelle, Sage Moonblood and Moxie Crimefighter. Name them Bob, Doris, Edna and Harold. They will thank you for it.
- Remove Billy Mays infomercials from tv. None of that stuff works.
- Make manufacturers produce instruction manuals that aren't translated from Chinese into English by a Chinese.
- Ban ugly art.
(Jackson Pollock's No.5, $140 million)
- Close all fast-food restaurants but not their playgrounds.
- Re-introduce Prohibition. (This one will really win people over.)
- Arrest anyone who says, "I heart" or "It's hot".
- Promote Ruth Youth International Mormon Appreciation Day: 5 November.
- Get the gays off the LDS church's back.
- Make the White House self-sufficient by putting a veggie garden in the front and a pig farm out the back.
You will find that once you have initiated these changes, your popularity will soar and many McCain voters will begin to worship you.
My second installment will arrive in next month's mail. Don't thank me. I'm just doing my bit for America.