Who Needs Gucci?

Thursday, December 10, 2009 Edit This 24 Comments »
Last year I posted Christmas gift ideas.  This year, I have only one item to promote.

(This is a subtle hint for MM to get me one.)  I wonder what employees would think when you walk into a store with this?  Would they insist on checking your bag before you leave?  Would you let them?  How far are stores allowed to go anyway?  How do you shop with this bag and not get arrested?

This would be akin to walking into a bank holding a bag saying, "Bank Robber."  Or, going into a restaurant buffet with a bag saying, "Binge Eater".  Or, going to a movie theater with "Camcorder Pirate". Or, walking onto a Military Base with "Suicide Bomber".

I've just had a brilliant idea!  This could make a really good reality show!  It fits the criteria, ie - as far from reality as you can get and nothing you'd normally be interested in but you get sucked into watching it anyway.

Excuse me, I need to call Ashton Kutcher...

I've calculated your chance of survival, but you won't like it.

Thursday, December 03, 2009 Edit This 19 Comments »
MM has a new contract which means he has to go to Los Angeles to a city called Willowbrook.  "Nice," you may say.  "Work is good," you may say.  "But, where is Willowbrook, exactly?"  I'm glad you asked!  It is smack in between WATTS and COMPTON.  Which as you know, is the perfect place for a white guy to go, by himself, in an unblemished vehicle that is transmitting on all frequencies: "Car Jack Me! You Won't Be Sorry."

For the uninitiated, Watts and Compton are about the most dangerous cities in USA.  So dangerous that the guys cannot work there after 3pm because that's when the gangbangers wake up and start looking for something to shoot.  A white man from out of town is considered a perfectly good target.  I told MM he needs to look more inconspicuous.  "Try to look less white!  Don't walk like that!  That's a white man walk!  Wear your pants lower!  Why are you tucking in your shirt?"  It was hopeless.  MM looked like a white guy failing to look like a brown guy.

Plan B.  Whine.  "Can't you send someone else to do it?  Someone less racially challenged?"

No.  MM can't send an employee somewhere where he wouldn't go himself.  Stupid ethics.

Plan C.  Go with MM to the work site.  Protect him.  Act all Hispanic. What?  I can so do it!  I've been to Mexico and they all think I'm related. Everybody spoke Spanish to me.  All I could reply was, "Donde 
está el baño?" ("Where is the toilet?")  Even my extremely rugged accent and out of context question didn't convince the Mexicans that I had no Español, I was that convincing.  I can totally get all gangster on someone.

In my dreams.

I think Plan D is the best.  Send C with him.  She already dresses like a hobo so she can lie on the street in a sleeping bag with the other vagrants, and keep an eye on her dad.  Call the cops if anything goes down. I'm sure with a bit of incentive, i.e. some more smelly old sweat pants, she'd be happy to do this.              

Bobs yer Uncle.

(Pic of C, horrified that yet again, her mother has better taste in clothes than her.)

Kristina P has suggested MM wear this.  Elegance and camouflage.  It doesn't get any better.