Back to the Grind

Sunday, April 12, 2009 Posted In , , , Edit This 11 Comments »
We're home!!!! Yay!!! I know you are all leaping for joy as you read that I am back to plague your life with my inanities (my word for the day).

Thanks to all who enquired after my health. I am doing brilliantly, the gallstones have been eradicated and I will always be glad that I did not allow the "Doctor" (and I use the term loosely) to surgically remove my gallbladder. Like my MIL says, "You need to keep your insides INSIDE."

But to the matter at hand. And I am referring, of course, to the recent rescue of the US Captain from the Somali pirates. I am uber-impressed with the Navy Snipers ability to pick off the thugs whilst standing on a Destroyer being thrashed around in high seas. Cool!

One of the surviving pirates made threats against the US saying that by using our military might, we are marked for retaliation. "In the future, America will be the one mourning and crying," he told The Associated Press. "We will retaliate (for) the killings of our men." Like he would want his country to sit back and do nothing if his countryman was being held hostage by a bunch of murdering thugs!

But here's the thing... the ship the Somali thugs attempted to hijack had been carrying food aid bound for Rwanda, Somalia and Uganda!

Talk about biting the hand that feeds!!


You Won't Want to Know But I'm Telling You Anyway

Sunday, March 15, 2009 Posted In , , , Edit This 18 Comments »

You may have noticed that I have been absent from the Great World of Bloggering. So, here's the thing... I've been in the throes of a personal health crisis.

You may remember that I asked an actual Doctor for help and she prescribed zantac for me. "You probably have indigestion" was her brain staggering conclusion. She apparently forgot the whole previous conversation about how I took zantac already and it not only didn't help but made me feel more nauseous. Then I found out later that she isn't a doctor at all but a DA whatever that is. Not a doctor, apparently.

I didn't tell this DA that by all indications, she was a quack. I just thought it. It shoved up close to the other thoughts I had about the whole Doctor Experience. Like... why do they have the reception desk so close to the waiting area? Not only do you have the humiliation of discussing your oh-so-private and possibly embarrassing ailment with the Reception Girl who is a complete stranger and worse, young enough to be your daughter's school friend... but you also have the entire population of the waiting room listening in. Then there's the woman who leans over to chat (there's always one) and asks "How long have you had that then? I've got terrible angina myself..."

A week later I asked to see a real Doctor. He sauntered in and chatted about how the weather was nice and cool. Let me re-enact the rest of that scene...

Dr Casual: Your blood tests are normal so I'm thinking it could be indigestion.
Moi: (Eye roll) Humph.
Dr Casual: No, really. It could be.
Moi: Or?
Dr Casual: Or... you could have gallstones. You're the right demographic. Female, forty and f...
Moi: Fabulous?
Dr Casual: Yes.
Moi: Can you remove gallstones?
Dr Casual: No. But you can remove the gallbladder.
MM: Isn't there a way to dissolve or flush the stones?
Dr Casual: Surgical removal of the gallbladder is your only option. It's not the end of the world. Lots of people have the surgery with no problem. But, beware. The Internet is full of products that claim to remove stones but it's really not possible. So, don't worry about it. In the meantime, why don't we get you some zantac....

So he schedules me for an ultrasound and tells me not to worry. I went home disgusted. Then I got to work. My close companions for the last two weeks: terrible pain and the Internet. I googled the heck out of my symptoms. I read everything I could find about gallstones. It's a wonder my keyboard didn't scream and run away at the sight of me, I googled the guts out of my laptop all day for days.

Yes, I found a gallstone flush and YES I completed it and YES!, I am gallstone free and PAIN FREE! I can dance again! I can walk and run and jump and be HAPPY! And it's all because I DOUBTED the Doctors and DOUBTED the system. The system is broken. "Surgery is the only option." PHOOEY. So much for the Hippocratic Oath!

New rule of thumb for gallstone avoidance. Don't eat it if it ever had a heartbeat. Don't eat beans or nuts or eggs or grains or sugar. Don't eat it if it isn't organic or came out of a cow. So guess what's for dinner.... no really, guess... go on take a stab at it!

Because I have NO FLIPPIN' IDEA!


So You Like My Daughter eh?

Monday, November 03, 2008 Posted In , , , , , , , , , , Edit This 5 Comments »
In light of M.'s recently acquired 'Chick Magnet' status and A.'s impending hormone wave, we thought it pertinent to plan for the inevitable "dating" (I hate that word!), because in my opinion, it's never too early to prepare.
I am departing somewhat from her father's instructions, given the day A. was born. When I handed him his newborn baby girl the first thing he sternly told those little blue eyes was, "...These are the rules: No boys." (He really did!) However, I do want her to get married when she is thirty-five or so; so this is the application form we will be requiring all prospective "dates" to fill out prior to approval of the event. Once we have approved the date, further instructions will be provided.

Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage and medical report from your doctor.
Name:___________________ Nickname/Alias:___________________
Date Of Birth:____/____/____ height:___ Weight:____ I.Q.:___ G.P.A.:____Soc. Sec.#______-___-_______
Driver's License#____________ Boy Scout Rank:_________
Home Address:_______________________________
Cell Phone#:_________ MySpace: ______________ Facebook:_________
Do you own a. Van?___b. Truck with oversized tires?___
c. Car with a trunk full of speakers?_____
Do you have any of the following: a. An earring__ b. nose ring__
c. belly button ring__ piercings on any other body parts___
Explain:_______________________________ Tattoo?______

If you answered YES to any of the above questions, discontinue and leave the premises immediately.
Ward you attend_________How often______ Best time to interview your Bishop _____
Please fill in the blanks:
a. If I were beaten, the last bone I want broken is: ____________________________________________________
b. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me is: ____________________________________________________
c. Now answer the question you filled in on b: ____________________________________________________
I swear that all information provided above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, dismemberment, electrocution, and/or hot pokers. Signature_____________

Thank you for your interest. Please allow 4 - 6 years for processing. If your application is approved, you will be contacted in writing. If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two men wearing black suits and answering to the names "Gus" and "Louie".


(Thanks to GranGran for most of this content.)
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