So You Like My Daughter eh?

Monday, November 03, 2008 Posted In , , , , , , , , , , Edit This 5 Comments »
In light of M.'s recently acquired 'Chick Magnet' status and A.'s impending hormone wave, we thought it pertinent to plan for the inevitable "dating" (I hate that word!), because in my opinion, it's never too early to prepare.
I am departing somewhat from her father's instructions, given the day A. was born. When I handed him his newborn baby girl the first thing he sternly told those little blue eyes was, "...These are the rules: No boys." (He really did!) However, I do want her to get married when she is thirty-five or so; so this is the application form we will be requiring all prospective "dates" to fill out prior to approval of the event. Once we have approved the date, further instructions will be provided.

Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage and medical report from your doctor.
Name:___________________ Nickname/Alias:___________________
Date Of Birth:____/____/____ height:___ Weight:____ I.Q.:___ G.P.A.:____Soc. Sec.#______-___-_______
Driver's License#____________ Boy Scout Rank:_________
Home Address:_______________________________
Cell Phone#:_________ MySpace: ______________ Facebook:_________
Do you own a. Van?___b. Truck with oversized tires?___
c. Car with a trunk full of speakers?_____
Do you have any of the following: a. An earring__ b. nose ring__
c. belly button ring__ piercings on any other body parts___
Explain:_______________________________ Tattoo?______

If you answered YES to any of the above questions, discontinue and leave the premises immediately.
Ward you attend_________How often______ Best time to interview your Bishop _____
Please fill in the blanks:
a. If I were beaten, the last bone I want broken is: ____________________________________________________
b. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me is: ____________________________________________________
c. Now answer the question you filled in on b: ____________________________________________________
I swear that all information provided above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, dismemberment, electrocution, and/or hot pokers. Signature_____________

Thank you for your interest. Please allow 4 - 6 years for processing. If your application is approved, you will be contacted in writing. If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two men wearing black suits and answering to the names "Gus" and "Louie".


(Thanks to GranGran for most of this content.)

Jarheads and Harleys

Monday, October 20, 2008 Posted In , , , , , , , , , , , Edit This 1 Comment »
So anyway, we were invited to MM's cousins home for a Sunday afternoon family dinner. When we pull up to the apartment complex, the security guard (alias Gestapo Lady) approaches and writes down our license plate number, asks us who we're going to see then calls him to confirm we are not enemy spies. Then we are given a set of 'rules and regulations' for the complex, and MM has to sign it... all the while, the security camera is trained right on us. I was very tempted to make faces at it but didn't want us get us kicked out so very stoically eyed the thing instead. (OK, I stuck my tongue out at it, but only once.)

Then, to add a little more indignity, we were told we could not take our vehicle to the apartment but could park it at the gate and walk up (yes, UP!) to his home. I should've worn my hiking boots.

This check-point debacle made our host J very annoyed and he vowed to "bash them" later.  I wouldn't like to get on his bad side. He's a Marine.

So, we had a nice quiet dinner with J and his son and girlfriend and room mate and her boyfriend and another couple of friends and various children... did I say quiet? No, this was unmistakably a BBQ 'party' complete with ear bleeding music.  Did I say music?
Wrong again.

I was about three million miles outside my comfort zone. This is not how I envisioned spending my sabbath. MM and I looked at each other then each dove in. We were going to make the best of it. We were there for J, to meet his baby son and his girlfriend and that meant we had to be in his world for a while...

So, I ignored the "music" and the alcohol and the abundance of skin and ink on skin and just started talking to whoever would talk back. 


Just before we left, one of J's friends (griller extraordinaire) told us the recipe for the steak marinade that we all wolfed down. Soy sauce and beer.
Oh....beer you say....oh.
"I could really taste the beer." he says.
Oh.... right.....uh huh...hmmm.

On the way home the kids said, "Now we know what beer tastes like!"

Meat.



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