Just Take A Minute...

Monday, March 23, 2009 Posted In , Edit This 13 Comments »
Slow down and breathe for a second... there you go... now I need to tell you about some really awesome giveaways going on at Mormon Mommy Blogs. Even though a "Mom" is really a "Mum" and I have never won so much as a frozen chicken, I am entering the giveaway because I really WANT something. Anything.

If you want free stuff, stop reading now and go there... go on! BUT WAIT!

Here's my final word, taken from a particularly profound piece of literature stuck to the bumper of a car...

"Wag more, bark less."

Doesn't that just say it all?

Food, A Necessary Evil

Saturday, March 21, 2009 Posted In , Edit This 16 Comments »
It's been a busy week. As you know, I have an extremely limited diet so grocery shopping has gone from frustrating to nightmarish in one fell swoop. A nutritionist suggested that we only shop around the perimeter of the store, where all the raw food is and resist going down the aisles because that's where they keep the evil processed food. Try telling my kids they can't have cereal. It ain't happening.

So, I get my food... and awesome!, I even found organic ketchup!, then I run to the checkout. As I am unloading stuff, I notice... the ketchup is gone! What the heck?! Who would steal my ketchup? Granted, I haven't purchased it yet, so technically it isn't yet mine but come on... who would steal my ketchup? And when? How? Was there a ketchup addict stalking me? Did he/she follow me stealthily through the store, then, when I was contemplating the nice array of potatoes, did he leap forward, snatch the ketchup and run away stroking it ... "I got you my preciousssss...."

So, I'm at the checkout, ketchup-less, and the checkout lady yanks my food down the conveyor. All is fine until she starts bagging the bananas. I feel awkward. What should I do? Say something, or let it happen? I take a chance... "Um, 'scuse me? I don't want that. I want the other one... please." I swear, this woman acted like I'd just asked her if I could puke in her hands.

I haven't noticed, but when did they stop asking..."Plastic or paper?"

The Mighty Woof

Thursday, March 19, 2009 Posted In , , Edit This 18 Comments »
We just got a new woofer. No, it's not a dog... my cat would never forgive me. It's a loudspeaker, one of those ones that delivers low frequency sounds. You know, the throbbing bass that vibrates the popcorn out of your cup when you're at the movies. THAT one. It came with a surround sound system so we now have 47 speakers strategically placed all over the room. Whenever we watch tv I keep thinking someone is breaking into the house. I swing around yelling, "Who's there?" only to realise it was just the movie, and the kids laugh at me... again.

I think I am losing my mind. Gone are my calm, quiet evenings. Now I can FEEL the movie no matter where I am in the house. When The Hulk drops a car, the shock wave launches the cat across the room. When Horton ran with The Whos, my pot plant thudded across the table and committed suicide off the edge.

Though I go to my bedroom, and close the sound-proofed door behind me, I can still hear such raging destruction that I frequently run down the stairs just to check that a 747 hasn't just crash-landed in the dining room. It's exhausting.

I was about to ask MM if we could please chop the woofer into small pieces and burn it when I read on the Internet that Doctors occasionally remove gallstones using ultrasound therapy. So naturally I thought, "Why pay hundreds of dollars for a sonogram when I can just sit on the woofer?" These stones don't stand a chance against the X-Men.

Weally Wordy Wednesday

Wednesday, March 18, 2009 Posted In , , , Edit This 11 Comments »
MM has firmly resisted my wheedling to give me a copy of his UGLY PIC. He asked me if I planned on showing it to anyone. I assured him that the thought hadn't even begun to speculate about the merest possibility of crossing my mind and I was only going to post it on my blog. MM was horrified and refused to allow me access to it even though I did mention that hardly anyone reads my blog these days anyway. Except you five four.

So, I was forced to find a reasonable facsimile of MM on the internet and here is about as close as I could get; just imagine this guy with eyebrows and three more teeth and it's close enough!

You will agree, the changes I had to make were significant. That's true love that is!

What about this week on American Idol? I don't prefer country music but I was feeling decidedly sorry for all things country after listening to Adam Lambert KILL, MURDER, BUTCHER AND DESTROY 'Ring of Fire'!! It's a good thing Johnny Cash wasn't alive to hear it. He may have had to throw Adam into an actual ring of fire on principal. I have to agree with Simon's critique... it was UTTER RUBBISH!

The big winners for the night were Kris Allen with his sweet ballad (who knew?!) and Anoop who yanked himself back from obscurity with a really cool version of "Always On My Mind". He single handedly revived Willie Nelson's career but Willie will have to sing that song with RnB flavour from now on.

One more thing...

Apparently this vid features all women drivers but I am so sure they were aliens in womens clothing because we all know that WE ARE FANTASTIC DRIVERS.
(Make sure you mute the annoying music.)

Green Gone Rampant

Tuesday, March 17, 2009 Posted In , , Edit This 8 Comments »
This is a picture of the Chicago river. Every year on St Patrick's Day they dump loads of dye in there. The council says they use environmentally friendly vegetable dye. I'm sure the marine life in the river appreciate the fact that they are dying from vegetable toxins instead of synthetic ones. Nothing says St Pat's Day like polluting the eco system.

What the Heck....?

Sunday, March 15, 2009 Posted In , Edit This 12 Comments »
I just wanna know.... why, for the love of roast meat, is Rachael Ray in this getup? I swear, every time I see her she's wearing less! Is this the new fad? Roast the turkey in your undies! Does it make the bird taste better?

As my MIL would say... "Good Gravy!" I certainly won't be watching any more of Rachael's soft porn cooking shows!

Sorry I had to do that to you.

You Won't Want to Know But I'm Telling You Anyway

Sunday, March 15, 2009 Posted In , , , Edit This 18 Comments »

You may have noticed that I have been absent from the Great World of Bloggering. So, here's the thing... I've been in the throes of a personal health crisis.

You may remember that I asked an actual Doctor for help and she prescribed zantac for me. "You probably have indigestion" was her brain staggering conclusion. She apparently forgot the whole previous conversation about how I took zantac already and it not only didn't help but made me feel more nauseous. Then I found out later that she isn't a doctor at all but a DA whatever that is. Not a doctor, apparently.

I didn't tell this DA that by all indications, she was a quack. I just thought it. It shoved up close to the other thoughts I had about the whole Doctor Experience. Like... why do they have the reception desk so close to the waiting area? Not only do you have the humiliation of discussing your oh-so-private and possibly embarrassing ailment with the Reception Girl who is a complete stranger and worse, young enough to be your daughter's school friend... but you also have the entire population of the waiting room listening in. Then there's the woman who leans over to chat (there's always one) and asks "How long have you had that then? I've got terrible angina myself..."

A week later I asked to see a real Doctor. He sauntered in and chatted about how the weather was nice and cool. Let me re-enact the rest of that scene...

Dr Casual: Your blood tests are normal so I'm thinking it could be indigestion.
Moi: (Eye roll) Humph.
Dr Casual: No, really. It could be.
Moi: Or?
Dr Casual: Or... you could have gallstones. You're the right demographic. Female, forty and f...
Moi: Fabulous?
Dr Casual: Yes.
Moi: Can you remove gallstones?
Dr Casual: No. But you can remove the gallbladder.
MM: Isn't there a way to dissolve or flush the stones?
Dr Casual: Surgical removal of the gallbladder is your only option. It's not the end of the world. Lots of people have the surgery with no problem. But, beware. The Internet is full of products that claim to remove stones but it's really not possible. So, don't worry about it. In the meantime, why don't we get you some zantac....

So he schedules me for an ultrasound and tells me not to worry. I went home disgusted. Then I got to work. My close companions for the last two weeks: terrible pain and the Internet. I googled the heck out of my symptoms. I read everything I could find about gallstones. It's a wonder my keyboard didn't scream and run away at the sight of me, I googled the guts out of my laptop all day for days.

Yes, I found a gallstone flush and YES I completed it and YES!, I am gallstone free and PAIN FREE! I can dance again! I can walk and run and jump and be HAPPY! And it's all because I DOUBTED the Doctors and DOUBTED the system. The system is broken. "Surgery is the only option." PHOOEY. So much for the Hippocratic Oath!

New rule of thumb for gallstone avoidance. Don't eat it if it ever had a heartbeat. Don't eat beans or nuts or eggs or grains or sugar. Don't eat it if it isn't organic or came out of a cow. So guess what's for dinner.... no really, guess... go on take a stab at it!

Because I have NO FLIPPIN' IDEA!

Honest Crap, I mean "Scrap"

Friday, March 06, 2009 Posted In , , Edit This 17 Comments »

Cutting Through The Cussing

Thursday, March 05, 2009 Posted In , , , , , , Edit This 11 Comments »
I admit, this post is entirely inspired by the beginning of DeNae's latest post of genius and hilarity. She is one of my favourite bloggerers and a fellow-hitchhiker and I hope that this sucking up brings me some forgiveness for hitching my post to her post...

I am, in essence, continuing my comment to her - on here. And I feel I can do this because she was obviously inspired by my post "Sanity Saver" in which I talk about eliciting good behaviour from the savage beasts (otherwise known as children) using music. Or, as DeNae puts it... "neutralizing your offspring". Clearly, DeNae used my post as her inspiration.

On the subject of "cussing", and I hesitate to use the word because to me, saying "cuss" is akin to actually cussing, I'd like to offer the opinion that a swear word is in the ear of the beholder. Where I come from, "dam-" is as mild as saying, "darn" and "he--" barely registers a two on the EEEK Scale. (Ten being the dreaded F.)

Luckily, before I set foot on these fair shores, MM warned me that the mess coming out of my mouth was likely to give his mother a stroke so I edited my speech most carefully for her sake. Not so my friend Moana who flew over here with me. We forgot to tell her.

"Da--, I love this place! Hello Mrs MM's mother! How the he-- are ya?"

But, should you ever find yourself in New Zealand, there are some things to take note of...

You will probably never come across anyone blessed with the name "Randy" in New Zealand because randy means... "A man who is very fond of the ladies in the very intimate sense of the very frequent frequency." A person of this notoriety would be referred to as a "Randy Bugger".

Nor should you ever use the word "root" as it literally means
"to have s@x". Just to illustrate the importance of this point: A female visitor from the USA said... My first time in New Zealand I made the unfortunate mistake of listing off my hobbies to a family that had me over for tea.... among my hobbies? "I like to root for the football team!" One of the boys said, "What, the WHOLE team??"

Not to mention that a few nights ago on American Idol, Adam Lambert gave the NZ equivalent of the "middle finger" gesture (only much worse) while he was trotting down the steps with the other privileged eleven. It might have been the peace sign, only the knuckles were facing OUT. In New Zealand this gesture would have had him decapitated or castrated... whichever end was closest.

I do believe that one should tread carefully when accusing others of using foul language because in their country they could quite literally be inviting you to dinner and not in fact, telling you that you are the slime that lives off the grime that inhabits a Vogon's left armpit.

(Vogon with aforementioned 'covered' armpits, for which we are grateful.)

The Sky is Falling!

Wednesday, March 04, 2009 Posted In , , , Edit This 16 Comments »
So, I reluctantly decided to go see the Doctor about my tummy troubles. I expect I am not a fun patient to have and I don't generally LIKE Doctors because they are SO Doctor-ish. All they do is ask stupid questions...
"When was the last time you had a mammogram?"
"Errrr.... never?" So, yeah, got some backlash from that one.
Then the lecture began...
"Eat properly..."
"Get some exercise..."
"Watch your cholesterol..." BLAH BLAH BLAH.

I subjected myself to this barrage (I kid you not, it took an hour!) and then Doctor Annoying told me I may have indigestion. INDIGESTION?? I just know that's not what my problem is! I KNOW it! So, I politely asked if it could possibly be anything else. She said that it could be any number of things but she couldn't determine what until I had several blood tests done. So, like an idiot, I agreed to that. Because I just love to be poked with needles. Then she handed me some heartburn drugs and told me to take them in the evenings.... UMM EXCUSE ME?!! You just said yourself that you don't KNOW what my problem is until you get the test results! So you want to give me antacid drugs... WHY? JUST IN CASE? If I DON'T suffer from indigestion, can I sue you for malpractice? Because I know it isn't indigestion - I had babies, I know acutely what indigestion is at around the eighth month of gestation, lady!

So, to calm my nerves, I went to Walmart to buy some chocolate.

I was at the checkout when I heard an almighty CRASH! and looked up to see a huge chunk of the roof fall to the floor! NOOO! 9/11... it's HERE! in Walmart!

I was gripped by panic (like everyone else around me!) and it is true that your life flashes before you because in that split second I was thinking about all sorts of things that I had left undone in my life INCLUDING that I'm gonna DIE before I prove that I DON'T HAVE INDIGESTION!!!

Fortunately, I was not close enough to be hit by flying ceiling and the expected terrorist attack did not happen. Once I relaxed, I saw the funny side of it... I've never seen Grannies run so fast and I'm sure the people eating at McDonalds appreciated the extra seasoning that floated down to settle on their french fries.

It turns out that the guys constructing a building next door made some kind of constructing mistake (isn't it just like legos?) and sent the wall that they had just erected crashing down onto the roof of Walmart. Nothing like a few hundred tons of cement block falling on your head to wake you up.

So that was my day. How was yours?

Some Chocolate Cake To Go With That?

Sunday, March 01, 2009 Posted In , , , Edit This 24 Comments »
I'm not sure why I haven't been my normal, cheerful, happy self these past couple of days. I've been snapping at people on the phone and via email. I know... it's totally unlike me. I am usually so engaging and fabulous. I blame the stomach virus which laid me up for the last two days. It felt like three tigers were trying to claw their way out of my abdomen and I had to visit the bathroom so often, I was having panic attacks at the thought of being more than ten steps away from the toilet. If I don't lose some weight out of this I will be very, very annoyed! (and still fat)

But the worst thing is that my visiting teacher, hearing of my ailment, brought me a decadent chocolate cake filled with chocolate mousse and dripping with melted chocolate. Why? Why?? I could only look on sadly while the rest of the family wolfed it down.

So anyway... A day or so ago, M was so late home from school that I jumped in my (new) car and drove up the road looking for him. I found him, trudging home with a dejected look on his face. I started laying into him about how he is not supposed to muck around after school and how worried I was etc etc when he burst into tears and tearily (is that a word?) told me about the three enormous boys who waylaid him. They threw pine cones at him, one of which got caught in his bike wheel and flipped him off his bike, hence the walking home instead of riding. And that was not all that these ferocious kids did. They tackled the poor child and beat the crap out of him. Yes, I am very lucky that the sorry child in front of me was still intact. He showed me his wounds... some scrapes and burgeoning bruises and all the anger went out of me and naturally, transferred to these little demons who had the nerve to hurt my child!

I got on the phone and called the principal and vented to her forthwith! I told her about the monsters who attacked my poor defenseless boy! I told her he has never complained about something like this before. I told her the monster's names. I told her "something needed to be done!" She was horrified and promised to interview them all and get to the bottom of it and let me know how many lashes the bullies would receive.

Imagine my disbelief when the report came back that in fact, M was NOT victimized. He was actually playing with the boys and they were all throwing pine cones at each other. Then they played football, then M came home!

Never mind the fact that M felt he could tell the Principal the truth but lie to his mother. Or, that he made me look like an overreacting, over protective, crazy mum! But what bothers me most is that somebody had to call me and tell me I was WRONG! I even had to APOLOGIZE! Arghhh!

This is what having children means. HUMILIATION. If it hasn't happened to you yet, it will. Wait 'til you find out your kid told a random guy at church what size bra you wear. It's all downhill from there...

P.S. Here is my new car... it's not the actual car (cos I haven't got a decent pic) but is exactly the same as mine right down to the cool wheels. (And no, it does not say $10,888 on the windscreen. It says $19,888... not that this is my car. I just felt like mentioning it.)