Food, A Necessary Evil

Saturday, March 21, 2009 Posted In , Edit This 15 Comments »
It's been a busy week. As you know, I have an extremely limited diet so grocery shopping has gone from frustrating to nightmarish in one fell swoop. A nutritionist suggested that we only shop around the perimeter of the store, where all the raw food is and resist going down the aisles because that's where they keep the evil processed food. Try telling my kids they can't have cereal. It ain't happening.

So, I get my food... and awesome!, I even found organic ketchup!, then I run to the checkout. As I am unloading stuff, I notice... the ketchup is gone! What the heck?! Who would steal my ketchup? Granted, I haven't purchased it yet, so technically it isn't yet mine but come on... who would steal my ketchup? And when? How? Was there a ketchup addict stalking me? Did he/she follow me stealthily through the store, then, when I was contemplating the nice array of potatoes, did he leap forward, snatch the ketchup and run away stroking it ... "I got you my preciousssss...."

So, I'm at the checkout, ketchup-less, and the checkout lady yanks my food down the conveyor. All is fine until she starts bagging the bananas. I feel awkward. What should I do? Say something, or let it happen? I take a chance... "Um, 'scuse me? I don't want that. I want the other one... please." I swear, this woman acted like I'd just asked her if I could puke in her hands.

I haven't noticed, but when did they stop asking..."Plastic or paper?"

I'm Innocent!

Saturday, February 14, 2009 Posted In , , , Edit This 19 Comments »
I just came from shopping heck. There were about fifty people jammed into the Valentines aisle in Wal-Mart. By the time I got through the insanity, there was nothing of worth left on the shelves. There was plenty to choose from on the floor, however. I'm sure MM wouldn't mind the cute heart-shaped card I saw. It only had one footprint... I could get away with it, really I could... "It's not a dirty footprint! It's 'heel art' honey!"

But I didn't buy it. I went to Albertsons instead. It was blissfully clear of shoppers except for one lady with a BIG BEHIND. I won't tell you about the encounter with this rude lady who refused to move her shopping cart and her BIG BEHIND. I won't tell you about the way I used my shopping cart as a battering ram against her cart, to get into the Valentines aisle because she completely ignored my heartfelt "Excuse me, please!"

I won't tell you how she then tried to block my exit once I had found a pretty (but masculine) foot-art free card. I won't tell you that I kindly requested she move her BIG BEHIND AGAIN. My polite entreaty fallen on deaf ears, she wouldn't even LOOK at me! So I had to resort to using my shopping cart to bash my way OUT. Crash! Bang! Take THAT!

I hoped the security guys weren't watching and that they wouldn't confiscate my groceries and distribute my photo to all staff with the order... "DO NOT GIVE A SHOPPING CART TO THIS WOMAN!" I just know they would not prosecute the BIG BEHIND lady because she probably appeared on camera to be the innocent victim and I the guilty cart bashing perpetrator!

I practically ran through the checkout.

It was once I got home and breathlessly told MM about how RUDE some people can be and how they act like they're DEAF, that MM said to me, "How do you know she wasn't deaf?"

"Because she.... because I.... because..... AHHH CRAP!"

What to Do?

Thursday, January 15, 2009 Posted In , , , , , , Edit This 7 Comments »

One thing I loathe to do is grocery shopping. I have strict dietary requirements. I prefer to eat real food as opposed to stuff masquerading as food. This means I have to stop and read all the ingredients to learn about each foods level of evilness.

As you can imagine, this takes hours and shortens tempers all around. Nobody likes to go shopping with me because I have to keep calling MM. "Can you google 'Potassium Bromate'?... uh huh... oh dear. Kids! Throw out the raisin bread, hamburger buns and bagels!"

After hours of this I make my way to the checkout with our groceries. Five organic bananas, a bottle of rice milk and twelve bars of chocolate.

I am very disenchanted with food in general, although you wouldn't know that to look at me. I like to eat but I don't like to be contaminated with all the toxic additives. (This does not include chocolate because we all know that the benefits outweigh the risk.)

So, I am looking for a way to eat healthy that doesn't involve joining a kibbutz, starting a commune, or swapping my Expedition for a horse and moving to Pennsylvania to become Amish. But then again, I do love Amish food...

I'm sure MM wouldn't mind growing a funny beard and changing his name to "Jacob Yoder", but the horse and buggy would play havoc with his sensitive bladder.

Oh, what the heck, I'll try anything once!

I better go practice my Amish... "Throw me down the stairs my shoes."

"Outen the light..."

Older Posts