You Won't Want to Know But I'm Telling You Anyway

Sunday, March 15, 2009 Posted In , , , Edit This 18 Comments »

You may have noticed that I have been absent from the Great World of Bloggering. So, here's the thing... I've been in the throes of a personal health crisis.

You may remember that I asked an actual Doctor for help and she prescribed zantac for me. "You probably have indigestion" was her brain staggering conclusion. She apparently forgot the whole previous conversation about how I took zantac already and it not only didn't help but made me feel more nauseous. Then I found out later that she isn't a doctor at all but a DA whatever that is. Not a doctor, apparently.

I didn't tell this DA that by all indications, she was a quack. I just thought it. It shoved up close to the other thoughts I had about the whole Doctor Experience. Like... why do they have the reception desk so close to the waiting area? Not only do you have the humiliation of discussing your oh-so-private and possibly embarrassing ailment with the Reception Girl who is a complete stranger and worse, young enough to be your daughter's school friend... but you also have the entire population of the waiting room listening in. Then there's the woman who leans over to chat (there's always one) and asks "How long have you had that then? I've got terrible angina myself..."

A week later I asked to see a real Doctor. He sauntered in and chatted about how the weather was nice and cool. Let me re-enact the rest of that scene...

Dr Casual: Your blood tests are normal so I'm thinking it could be indigestion.
Moi: (Eye roll) Humph.
Dr Casual: No, really. It could be.
Moi: Or?
Dr Casual: Or... you could have gallstones. You're the right demographic. Female, forty and f...
Moi: Fabulous?
Dr Casual: Yes.
Moi: Can you remove gallstones?
Dr Casual: No. But you can remove the gallbladder.
MM: Isn't there a way to dissolve or flush the stones?
Dr Casual: Surgical removal of the gallbladder is your only option. It's not the end of the world. Lots of people have the surgery with no problem. But, beware. The Internet is full of products that claim to remove stones but it's really not possible. So, don't worry about it. In the meantime, why don't we get you some zantac....

So he schedules me for an ultrasound and tells me not to worry. I went home disgusted. Then I got to work. My close companions for the last two weeks: terrible pain and the Internet. I googled the heck out of my symptoms. I read everything I could find about gallstones. It's a wonder my keyboard didn't scream and run away at the sight of me, I googled the guts out of my laptop all day for days.

Yes, I found a gallstone flush and YES I completed it and YES!, I am gallstone free and PAIN FREE! I can dance again! I can walk and run and jump and be HAPPY! And it's all because I DOUBTED the Doctors and DOUBTED the system. The system is broken. "Surgery is the only option." PHOOEY. So much for the Hippocratic Oath!

New rule of thumb for gallstone avoidance. Don't eat it if it ever had a heartbeat. Don't eat beans or nuts or eggs or grains or sugar. Don't eat it if it isn't organic or came out of a cow. So guess what's for dinner.... no really, guess... go on take a stab at it!

Because I have NO FLIPPIN' IDEA!



18 brilliant observations:

Kristina P. said...

Good for you and your research! I have noticed your absence and it's made me cry, several times.

honeypiehorse said...

You have been missed! Congratulations on feeling better and good job on the research. I wonder why the doctor was so eager to operate? You might want to get the ultrasound anyway, just to rule out something real, as long as you have it scheduled. DAs are medical assistants that try to treat the symptoms statistically before more expensive resarch is conducted. It kind of makes sense. Unless it's you.

Machen family said...

I'm so glad that you beat the system. I was talking to a friend the other day and I think that doctors are the "mechanics"....you know they'll blow a lot of smoke so you have to spend more money when you really don't have to. You've just proved my point.

Lucy said...

Ohhh....doctors. Talk about a necessary evil. I went to my doc's assistant and I use that term loosly..because I couldn't get into the real doctor. I think I question her legal license. Never again will I step into her *physician's assistant* office. Number one...if she is an assistant (which sounds like it means helper?) can she really be called a doctor? Something tells me....Not Yet. I'll just wait on the real doctor thankyouverymuch.

Lissaloo said...

Good for you! Dr's don't seem to know what's going on ever! Good luck with the new diet it sounds, um, fun :) Glad to see you are back, you always have such great posts :)

Cheryl said...

Did you do the apple juice diet for 3 days and then the olive oil drink? My neighbor did this 2 weeks ago and he said it was the worst things he has ever endured, but passed 50 stones, apparently his dr. wanted to know how many!

Loralee and the gang... said...

Sorry about your gallstone experience! Suzette over at 'Good Things Come' (maybe you both should change your blognames) just had gallstone surgery. Maybe you should click her up and commiserate...or whatever.
And about your comment on my blog? I finally realized we must be of the same generation to both know what legwarmers are, and that they do fit it with a super duper goofy getup! yee-haaa!
:~D

wendy said...

I was wondering what in the heck happened to ya. Sorry about all the pain and stupid dr's . As for what to cook for dinner.........??? Maybe you better head back to the internet.

Debbie said...

I'm so glad you are feeling better! Good work.

Jen said...

I did a kidney stone flush once (which also isn't supposed to work, although the following scan showed that whatever was left in there wasn't a kidney stone). It almost killed me with the grossness of it, but I'd do ANYTHING to avoid the vomitous pain of passing a kidney stone!

DeNae said...

Yes, I was wondering where you had been! I was preparing to dispatch a search party or send up a flare or something.

In this day when DOCTORS are barely doctors, a DA (or PA, or NBA, or whatever) is probably a glorified band aid salesman. Way to buck the system.

Since you are CLEARLY smarter than the entire medical profession, perhaps you could help me with my shoulder. It hurts when I do this...

Fiauna said...

That doctor was a quack. When I was a working gal, I assisted doctors in removing gall stones via a procedure called ERCP--surgery free. But it sounds like you got it taken care of. Best of luck.

Barbaloot said...

Clearly the only option you have for dinner is chocolate. Things could be worse.

Annie Valentine said...

If you have to stab it then you probably can't eat it...

Gracey said...

I am glad you are feeling better now. :)

rachel said...

Good for you! Was it the lemon juice and olive oil one? Gall stone pain is the worst (and yet health wise, it was the best thing that could have happened to me) Does this mean you have to say goodbye to all chocolate?? Glad you're back :)

Deb said...

I'm so glad you're feeling better!

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

I didn't know beans had a heartbeat, but my professional opinion is that you should stock up on more of those ginormous chocolate bars and just eat those for dinner for a while. Glad you're back. :)