I know what Halloween is REALLY about!

Thursday, October 30, 2008 Posted In , , , , , , , , , , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
I was 36 years old when I first went trick or treating. I know! I'd been horribly deprived for 36 years! It's a wonder that I grew up mostly normal.
You see, nobody knocked on doors for free treats in New Zealand when I was a kid. We didn't even dress up. We didn't have those excessively orange, uber pumpkins on our doorsteps. We didn't have ghost or skeleton decorations. The only Halloween activities we witnessed were broadcast to us, from America, on the telly. If dad let us watch it. Instead of the Cricket.
It was useless trying to actually go out trick or treating. The only time my brother and I managed to get the courage to try it, we were chased off the property. And we couldn't even see who chasing us because we'd forgotten to cut eye holes in the sheet. It was pretty scary.
Now that I'm nearly grown up, I have children who enjoy trick or treating and the pumpkins and the ghosts, the costumes and the treats, the whole thing really. But I have grave (geddit?... grave!) reservations. Because I know that the blood soaked chainsaws and smoke machines are all just props and the real Halloween is about SUGAR. It is the sole intention and goal for all children to have tons of candy all day and all night. And the parents go along with it! But I want to put a stop to it!
Foolish, impossible wish...
I have a GREAT idea. Go to every house that they could conceivably canvas and ask the nice people to only hand out Vegemite jars and kiwifruit to the a)Ice Queen with a sparkly blue face, b)Black Widow complete with spiderweb collar, c)rugby player with stripey socks. Yes!............ No! Logistical nightmare and the kids would get suspicious. ("Let's see what you got kids! Fifty seven jars of yeast extract each. Yay!")
OK, this is better... tell them we're going....to..........Disneyland! Yes! I am so clever! No! I am so stupid! I would actually have to take them TO Disneyland!
Alright...I've got it... I really have. I am going to BRIBE them! For every 5 pieces of candy they give me, I will pay them 25 cents. Then I will take them shopping and they can choose their favourite....um.... candy. Hmmm, that needs a little work...

0 brilliant observations: