Halloween. The Good. The Bad. The Sugar.

Monday, October 05, 2009 Edit This 12 Comments »
Y'all know I am anti-Halloween. You remember why? Not because I've been handing out tofu bars and raw almond treats and now the kids refuse to come to my house. No! They love tofu! Ask anyone!

I don't like Halloween because it is one BIG sugar obscenity. A high fructose corn syrup abomination! A night of pumpkin abuse and horror costumes that transform five year old innocents into Freddy Kruger. (I know YOU wouldn't do that. Your child is going as Harry Potter... or Hannah Montana, right?! And that's not child abuse?)

So what's the deal? Why do otherwise normal and sane (we assume) parents perpetuate the Halloween depravity year after year, contaminating children's minds and stomachs?

And, regarding the "trick" part of "trick or treat"... excuse moi, but that sounds like a threat to me. If I get egged this year, I may have to send out my attack cat. Don't laugh, he's a lethal weapon.

It's time to give Halloween a revamp. An overhaul. A jolly good smack in the bot. The Catholics have been calling for this very thing. Here's a snippet of an article I read... "Human sacrifice is still going on as well as the recruitment of many thousands of teens and young adults into witchcraft and satanism via Halloween parties." (You can read more of this stuff here if you really want to.)

Now you know - Halloween is wrong. Thanks Catholics, for having my back...

Maybe we can replace Halloween with Guy Fawkes. Now, there's a tradition worth repeating! Everyone in cahoots with England celebrates Guy Fawkes. First we make an effigy (scarecrow type of stuffed dummy) of a man who tried to blow up Parliament House in 1605. Guy Fawkes was his name and he was thwarted in his dastardly plan. We celebrate his failure by throwing his effigy on a bonfire and watch him burn chanting, "Die! Die! And die!"

In fact, I have been doing this for years. It's just good, wholesome fun.

Let's not subject our kids to intestinal carnage and creepy neighbours any longer! Let's instead practice our arson skills on a humongous bonfire and burn stuff! I'll bring the vegetarian, organic, non-sugar, soy based, dairy and gelatin-free marshmallows.

It'll be a blast!

12 brilliant observations:

Barbaloot said...

Yes-I HATE Halloween! I hate the greediness it sparks in kids and I hate that it's somehow an excuse for girls to dress up like skanks1 Horrible holliday.

Becky said...

Burn, baby, burn!! I'm not gonna lie, I'd be into anything that involves fire.

As for Halloween, I have a lot of friends who think it should get the kibosh as well. And we now live in a neighborhood filled with nice Russian families who sometimes won't even send their kids to school on Halloween. So as much as I loved Halloween as a kid, I'm slowly starting to think of it like a wart - it happens, but I don't think I wanna participate.

Kristina P. said...

All of the reasons you hate Halloween are the reasons I love it. I pray for kids to go into sugar comas.

The Garden of Egan said...

Uhm, gotta agree with you. Always glad when it is done. I guess I'm a stick in the mud. I especially hate it when someone parks their car in my broom parking spot!!!

honeypiehorse said...

OK I admit it I like Halloween. That's where all my work chocolate comes from...

Lara said...

I am trying to do a household detox in preparation for Halloween.

And I have convinced 2 of my 3 kids to give me their stash (they can have 7 pieces) for 10 bucks at the end of the night.

But then, I don't know what I'll do with it all. And I really need to convince my eldest to go along with my plan.

DeNae said...

I have always wondered what Guy Fawkes Day was! Seriously! And such a wholesome recreational activity! I am TOTALLY celebrating Guy Fawkes Day from now on.

While we're on this subject, one of these days I'm going to post about the rites of winter solstice that a lot of our Christmas traditions are based on. They make Hallowe'en AND Guy Fawkes Day look like a frolic through the daisies!

Once again, may I say how happy I am to see you back in bloggyworld?

Cheryl said...

Are you kidding me? Do they not have Halloween in New Zealand? They must not, or you would not be anti-Halloween! How can you say such blaspheme? I LOVE HALLOWEEN!! I especially remember the Halloween that my parents wouldn't let us trick-or-treat b/c it fell on a Sunday, so we went the night before Halloween with a sign explaining why we were trick-or-treating on Sat.--so as the keep the Sabbath Day Holy! (I lived in San Diego then.) We got more candy that year than ever before!! Oh the memories, oh the joy!!

Tracy said...

Hey R Max!

Our black blob got caught in a trap. It had quite the little house going in the back of a cupboard in the garage.

I just got released as Primary president and I feel like I finally have time for blogging again. It was good to see your comment on my blog!

Hope all is well with you! I'm starting to hate Halloween this year. I'm trying to lose a few pounds and that Halloween candy isn't making it any easier. I refuse to buy any until right before Halloween.

Lucy said...

I hate Halloween. Adults have taken it over with another excuse for party time and drinking plus all the disgusting movies that have been made for it. If it has to be, I wish it could be just a silly little day for little kids below the age of 6 and let it go. The best idea though? Ban it completely.

Okay. I feel better now. :)

Tricia said...

I totally agree with everything you said. Except the part about the marshmallows being soy, organic, and dairy-free. That's where I draw the line.

Missy said...

We are doing the Vomit-Inducing Festival/Carnival rides tonight!
Sharpies can be dangerous! LOL