Inalienable Rights

Sunday, July 12, 2009 Posted In , , , Edit This 14 Comments »
MM let me borrow his laptop knowing that he will not see it for the next ten hours because I have to BLOG. I didn't have to explain that blogging is as important as breathing and is tightly and inextricably woven into the "Meaning of Life". Blogging and chocolate. The two go hand in hand. As evidenced by the brown smears of aromatic chockiness that grace MM's keyboard. I know he won't complain. He will appreciate the opportunity to snack on his ASDFG, courtesy of his loving wife.

So anyway, I was enjoying the obligatory 4th of July firework display... and quite impressive it was too... when I had a thought. Should I ever consider becoming an American citizen in the distant future, could I pass the entrance exam? I know an Australian who recently passed the test and was able to recite the Pledge of Allegiance without saying 'um' once. A tremendous feat you must admit.

So, I found an online "Could You Pass the Naturalization Test?" quiz and took it. The first question was an easy one...

"How many stripes are there on the U.S. flag?" Duh. 13.

Then the questions got harder and I was faced with this one:

"Which of the following amendments to the Constitution does NOT address or guarantee voting rights?
a) 19th Amendment
b) 24th Amendment
c) 15th Amendment
d) 7th Amendment

Say what?

Unfortunately, I only got 25% of the questions right thus FAILING to qualify to be an American. Looks like I need to attend America School. You can only be dumb if you were born here.



But seriously, could you answer that constitution question correctly?

Which leads me to a question I have...

Why does everyone gaily call out, "Happy 4th of July!"? We don't say "Merry 25th of December!" or "Happy 4th Thursday of November!" Did someone sabotage the greeting to oust the "Independence" part of Independence Day and reduce it to a fun day at the fair watching the pig races? Or, is it a slip of the tongue... an innocent omission... a lazy lippage?



The answer to the Constitution question is:
d) 7th Amendment, dummy.

Beware the Ides of Moi!

Monday, April 20, 2009 Posted In , , Edit This 16 Comments »
I suffer from an ailment. It's called "foot-in-mouth" disease. If I ever see a woman I know, with a largish tummy, I will not ask her, "When are you due?" No, I will not. Then I will not hear the resulting answer, "I had the baby six months ago!" And then I will not notice that the bundle she was clutching was not, in fact, an assortment of rags, but was, in fact, a six month old baby.

This is not the first time I have said something completely inappropriate. My brain is unfortunately connected to my mouth, so while I am still processing information, my mouth decides to pass the half-formed conclusion along before my brain can take evasive action.

Perhaps I should not have slunk away red-faced though I saw this as the only option at the time since MM was inconveniently absent just when I could have done with some diplomacy. Perhaps I should have said something, offered her money, chocolate, a cute little kitty? Was there any way of redeeming the situation?

The Sky is Falling!

Wednesday, March 04, 2009 Posted In , , , Edit This 16 Comments »
So, I reluctantly decided to go see the Doctor about my tummy troubles. I expect I am not a fun patient to have and I don't generally LIKE Doctors because they are SO Doctor-ish. All they do is ask stupid questions...
"When was the last time you had a mammogram?"
"Errrr.... never?" So, yeah, got some backlash from that one.
Then the lecture began...
"Eat properly..."
"Get some exercise..."
"Watch your cholesterol..." BLAH BLAH BLAH.

I subjected myself to this barrage (I kid you not, it took an hour!) and then Doctor Annoying told me I may have indigestion. INDIGESTION?? I just know that's not what my problem is! I KNOW it! So, I politely asked if it could possibly be anything else. She said that it could be any number of things but she couldn't determine what until I had several blood tests done. So, like an idiot, I agreed to that. Because I just love to be poked with needles. Then she handed me some heartburn drugs and told me to take them in the evenings.... UMM EXCUSE ME?!! You just said yourself that you don't KNOW what my problem is until you get the test results! So you want to give me antacid drugs... WHY? JUST IN CASE? If I DON'T suffer from indigestion, can I sue you for malpractice? Because I know it isn't indigestion - I had babies, I know acutely what indigestion is at around the eighth month of gestation, lady!

So, to calm my nerves, I went to Walmart to buy some chocolate.

I was at the checkout when I heard an almighty CRASH! and looked up to see a huge chunk of the roof fall to the floor! NOOO! 9/11... it's HERE! in Walmart!

I was gripped by panic (like everyone else around me!) and it is true that your life flashes before you because in that split second I was thinking about all sorts of things that I had left undone in my life INCLUDING that I'm gonna DIE before I prove that I DON'T HAVE INDIGESTION!!!

Fortunately, I was not close enough to be hit by flying ceiling and the expected terrorist attack did not happen. Once I relaxed, I saw the funny side of it... I've never seen Grannies run so fast and I'm sure the people eating at McDonalds appreciated the extra seasoning that floated down to settle on their french fries.

It turns out that the guys constructing a building next door made some kind of constructing mistake (isn't it just like legos?) and sent the wall that they had just erected crashing down onto the roof of Walmart. Nothing like a few hundred tons of cement block falling on your head to wake you up.

So that was my day. How was yours?

What to Do?

Thursday, January 15, 2009 Posted In , , , , , , Edit This 7 Comments »

One thing I loathe to do is grocery shopping. I have strict dietary requirements. I prefer to eat real food as opposed to stuff masquerading as food. This means I have to stop and read all the ingredients to learn about each foods level of evilness.

As you can imagine, this takes hours and shortens tempers all around. Nobody likes to go shopping with me because I have to keep calling MM. "Can you google 'Potassium Bromate'?... uh huh... oh dear. Kids! Throw out the raisin bread, hamburger buns and bagels!"

After hours of this I make my way to the checkout with our groceries. Five organic bananas, a bottle of rice milk and twelve bars of chocolate.

I am very disenchanted with food in general, although you wouldn't know that to look at me. I like to eat but I don't like to be contaminated with all the toxic additives. (This does not include chocolate because we all know that the benefits outweigh the risk.)

So, I am looking for a way to eat healthy that doesn't involve joining a kibbutz, starting a commune, or swapping my Expedition for a horse and moving to Pennsylvania to become Amish. But then again, I do love Amish food...

I'm sure MM wouldn't mind growing a funny beard and changing his name to "Jacob Yoder", but the horse and buggy would play havoc with his sensitive bladder.

Oh, what the heck, I'll try anything once!

I better go practice my Amish... "Throw me down the stairs my shoes."

"Outen the light..."

A Healthy Pre-Occupation

Friday, January 09, 2009 Posted In , , Edit This 4 Comments »
For all you kind people praying for me to find my Huge Belgian Hunk, (thank you, good and gracious friends!) pray no more....

I have been rescued from chocolate deprivation by the half-price sale at Fresh & Easy. Down from a paltry $1.99 to just $1! For ONE POUND bars!

I walked into the store and could barely contain myself when I saw the word: "Reduced". I may have lay down in the clearance bin right then and there if I hadn't seen other people in the store. Stupid witnesses!

Anyway, I decided that now is a perfect time to stock up for our food storage. So I bought five Belgians.

For FOOD STORAGE.

(For those people who think I am going to wait til the kids go to bed, run up to my bedroom, put on my Lucky Ducky pajamas, snuggle in bed with my book, then rip off that wrapper and shove chocolate down my gullet with gay abandon, SHAME ON YOU!)


(A wanted to model the Belgians so I let her... WAIT! Where is Huge Hunk Number Five?)


I'm In Love!

Wednesday, January 07, 2009 Posted In , , Edit This 6 Comments »
MM has to move over to make room for the new "huge hunk" in my life. $1.99!

And, OH YES... he's FRESH... and EASY. All you could possibly want in a Huge Hunk of Belgian.








Another Snow Story

Tuesday, December 30, 2008 Posted In , , , Edit This 1 Comment »
While I stayed home eating chocolate and reading my book in my quiet house (I had a horrible time!) the family was up in the snow trying not to fall off their snowboards.
The good news... no broken limbs.
The bad news... slim pickings in the photo department because I was not there yelling at them to LOOK! or DO THAT AGAIN SLOWER! and SMILE! (That's what it takes folks.)

D was a natural and showed everyone how its done...


A is ready to go... Bring It On.

 Smoooooth!




Snow Shmow

Monday, December 29, 2008 Posted In , , , , Edit This 2 Comments »
I jinxed myself. Yesterdays post was not supposed to be self-fulfilling prophecy. (See list item c.) And, I actually wrote it the day before yesterday and had it scheduled to pop up in the morning so it makes it even more absurd that today I... have... a COLD!

Everyone is excited to go up the mountain today. Without me. I will not have the privilege of prancing around in flaky white happiness... real snow that comes from the actual sky... like this. Beautiful, is it not?



MM is going to ski (he assures me he can do this) and the kids are anxious to throw themselves down slippery slopes. I hope they take some good pictures before the trip to the Emergency Room. (Pessimism has always served me well.)

As for me... no worries... I just read the best advice... "Feed A Cold" and I have truckloads of chocolate to do just that.


All I Want For Christmas...

Saturday, December 06, 2008 Posted In , Edit This 3 Comments »
... is a twenty foot high Christmas tree made out of chocolate. If you really loved me, you'd buy it.

It's Only Food

Wednesday, November 26, 2008 Posted In , , , , , , , , , , , , , Edit This 1 Comment »
I just had major dental work. I went to see my dentist because I broke a tooth whilst eating lunch (Curse you Sam Wo!) and he declared that I also needed some bridge work so I now have a temporary bridge installed in my still throbbing mouth.
My dentist likes to make little jokes. He thinks it puts people at their ease. He leaned me back in the chair so far my feet were higher than my head. He said, "Don't worry, you won't slide off. I've only lost two patients that way."
Har, har. My sense of humour is excellent when I'm in intense pain.

So the dentist told me I can't eat certain meats or chewy foods "like bread". What?? Meat and bread?! That's only everything I eat! And there goes Thanksgiving dinner!

I had to ring my cousin and tell him, "So this is the menu for Thanksgiving. Ground beef, mashed potato, creamed spinach, puréed carrots, gravy, cranberry sauce and hot chocolate."
"Mmm, you make it sound so good." he said.

OK, no, I am not that mean. I will cook REAL food for EVERYONE ELSE while I SUCK my Thanksgiving meal THROUGH A STRAW.

Don't worry about me... I will be fine with my turkey shake.

NO PROBLEM.


School Conversation Take II

Wednesday, November 19, 2008 Posted In , , , Edit This 1 Comment »
Moi: Hi! How was your day?
A: Fine.
Moi: What did you learn at school?
A: That there is no such thing as a straight line.
Moi: Oh, fabulous! That is great... um... would you... like some... chocolate?


Old dogs can learn new tricks.
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