Christmas Shopping List 2008

Monday, November 10, 2008 Posted In , , , , , , , , , Edit This 1 Comment »

It's never too early to start shopping for the perfect present for that person who has everything. These selections are sure to please! Just helping you out. You know me.
How about a Stylish Red High-Heel Doorstop?






For the person who annoys you... the Backward Clock!






Control-A-Kid. Virtual parenting at the touch of a button!
Buttons include 'Do Homework', 'Eat Greens', 'Kiss Granny', 'Tidy Room' and 'Grow Up'. No batteries required - powered by positive thinking.
Operating Instructions:
1. Point remote at subject.
2. Push any button.
3. Hope for the best.




Perfect for your best friend's home office! A Beautiful Tissue Box!









For the Star Wars fanatic... Clone Wars Rubber Duckies!








The perfect book for the egomaniac in your life!











How about a Darth Tater to add to your child's (or your) collection?









For your mother-in-law: stylish yet practical... Onion Goggles! (And get a pair for yourself!)





Irritating. Annoying. Infuriating. "Sat Nag" - the in-car nagging system. Push the button to hear highly irritating comments. For example:
'In 100 metres, I'm going to ask you to move into the slow lane so I can fix my make up.'
'You have reached your destination. You may now throttle your passenger.'
'I know you're a man, but it's been 45 minutes now. Can you please admit we're lost and ask someone the way?'


Super Saturday On Friday

Sunday, November 09, 2008 Posted In , , , , , Edit This 1 Comment »
I don't know why I signed up to do this. I haven't touched one since I was twelve. Maybe I thought I could handle it now I'm nearly grown up. But, as I walked in the room, the sight of it sitting there made me palpitate. My hands went all clammy and my right eye started to twitch. This is the awful sight that greeted me! Eeek!

OK... it's fine... just act casual. Step into the room... gather up my fabric... smile to the nice ladies... "oh hi, nice to see you!"... walk over to the machines. Keep smiling. "hi!... oh, hi!" That's good... keep walking. "Oh darn! It looks like all the machines are taken! Well, that's okay! I'll just sit over here by the um... cake... and wait for a... oh... you're finished? Already? No one else waiting? Oh, so kind! Thank you!"
Breathe in... breathe out...
Casually slide into the seat and try to look like I know what I'm doing. "O......K..... here we are... good... this is ... good... now.... let's see.... you put the .... over here... and the.... now where is that?... here we go... um... where is the thingie that holds it down?... yeah the lever for the foot... where's that?... what's it doing over there?... alright... I got it now....how do I make it go? Oh that's right, you push down on the... yep .... whoa!... not so fast... oops, did I do that? How do you untangle the... oh, it's broken? It was like that when I got here... who used this last? Gosh!
Alright, I'll use that one... oh wow... does it always sew backwards?... oh.. I forgot about that ... no, no, I got it. So, I think this side is done. No, it's not crooked... I sewed it like that deliberately ... you haven't heard of freestyling? Straight lines are so 2007 don't you think?
I have to what? Gusset? Oh yes... I gusset all the time... no problem... (what the heck?) Um, I might um... skip... the gusset part... it's just that I have to... go... get a.... drink of water... and retch in the... no, no, I said that I need to "fetch" myself a drink, yes... I'll be right back... because gusseting... is the best part... yes. Thank you, ok so now I turn it inside-out and... oh, it's already inside-out? I knew that. OK, that looks... good... are the handles supposed to be different lengths? No? Well, it makes it unique doesn't it?
Oops, is that a tear? How did that happen? Duct tape over here please! Wow...am I finished? This looks sort of okay!... I'm going to tell MM!
"Guess what honey? I CAN SEW!"

TA DA! (Ignore the little red spots. That's just my blood.)

If you are interested in re-creating the fabulous work of art you see above, I found a link with instructions for something similar here.

Dear Mr President...

Saturday, November 08, 2008 Posted In , , , , , , , , , , , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
President Obama Sir,

Since you are new to the job of Boss of America, I am giving you some pointers that will help you to win everlasting appreciation from your constituents. Here is the list. You may want to start moving out on it now. You should:

- Cancel daylight saving. I can't get the hang of it. I keep turning up to church one hour early or one hour late. Cows don't like it either.
- Outlaw broad beans. I never liked those.
- Ban fake grass. What the heck?
- Make profanity illegal and censor all movies to PG.
- Rename celebrity babies ... Pilot Inspektor, Fifi Trixibelle, Sage Moonblood and Moxie Crimefighter. Name them Bob, Doris, Edna and Harold. They will thank you for it.
- Remove Billy Mays infomercials from tv. None of that stuff works.
- Make manufacturers produce instruction manuals that aren't translated from Chinese into English by a Chinese.
- Ban ugly art.

(Jackson Pollock's No.5, $140 million)

- Close all fast-food restaurants but not their playgrounds.
- Re-introduce Prohibition. (This one will really win people over.)
- Arrest anyone who says, "I heart" or "It's hot".
- Promote Ruth Youth International Mormon Appreciation Day: 5 November.
- Get the gays off the LDS church's back.
- Make the White House self-sufficient by putting a veggie garden in the front and a pig farm out the back.

You will find that once you have initiated these changes, your popularity will soar and many McCain voters will begin to worship you.
My second installment will arrive in next month's mail. Don't thank me. I'm just doing my bit for America.

Yours Sincerely,
Moi.


Where Did My Sweet Baby Go?

Friday, November 07, 2008 Posted In , , , , , , , Edit This 2 Comments »
Some things I should just leave alone. One day I will learn. This is how the actual conversation went:

Moi: What did you learn at school today?
A: That there is no such thing as suction.
Moi: Oh really? Then what does the vacuum cleaner do?
A: It doesn't suck. It blows.
Moi: Really! Then if I ever want to sell it I may have trouble writing the ad. "Vacuum cleaner for sale. Blows great."
A: No! I mean that it blows the air around and the dirt is blown up into it.
Moi: So it creates a vacuum, and you don't want to call it suction?
A: There is NO suction!
Moi: I'm just trying to understand this... are you saying that the air goes outside the machine and blows the dirt up?
A: NO! OH FORGET IT! YOU DON'T KNOW!
Moi: I'm just saying... you may have a hard time blowing your milkshake up the straw... actually, I'd really like to see that...
A: OH STOP IT! I SHOULDN'T HAVE EVEN TOLD YOU!
Moi: Well hang on, who told you this anyway?
A: My PHYSICS TEACHER!
Moi: Oh, what's his name?
A: Doctor Blankety Blank.
Moi: Oh, so he's a Doctor? A Doctor of what?
A: Psychology.
Moi: I see.... so a Psychologist told you there is no suction? How would he know?
A: YOU ALWAYS DO THIS!
Moi: I'm just trying to understand... COME BACK HERE!
A: WHAT?
Moi: I think we can agree on this. You say it blows and I say it displaces air to create a vacuum. Vacuums do exist even if you say suction doesn't.
A: NO IT DOESN'T and I... DON'T WANT...TO TALK ABOUT IT ANYMORE!! (Flounces out of the room knocking crumbs off the table in the process.)
Moi: YOUNG LADY! You come back here and grab that vacuum cleaner and BLOW THAT MESS OFF THE FLOOR RIGHT NOW!
A: AAARGHHHH!!

All those in favour of homeschooling say AYE!

They're STILL at it?

Thursday, November 06, 2008 Posted In , , , , Edit This 1 Comment »
I just read that hundreds of gay people marched in front of the Los Angeles Temple today in response to "Prop 8" passing. They stopped traffic and caused mayhem. It looks like the woman (I'm guessing its a female) in front holding the (half right) sign doesn't want anyone to know who she is... check out the dark glasses, hat and coat!




This is what others (not necessarily LDS) commented in Deseret News.

"The majority has spoken. I'm not protesting the people who gave Obama the $750 million to win his election. Although I didn't vote for him, he is the president elect and I respect that."

"California doesn't want it. It wasn't the Mormons that defeated gay marriages, it was 2 million Californians that voted against it TWICE."

"Funny how these things only further isolate their cause and marginalize their views. Violent protests over an election are not usually the most effective way to convince the majority."

"Wa wa wa, I didn't get my way!"

Post Election Laugh

Thursday, November 06, 2008 Posted In , , , , , , , , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
It's nice to have a break from campaigning. I am relieved that I no longer have to look for the brightest lit carpark to avoid vandalism from anyone offended by the stickers all over our car. The last couple of days I had taken to wearing "Yes on 8" stickers on my back and on my bag in defiance. I must have been quite the spectacle at supermarkets and restaurants. Nobody said anything to me but I got some funny looks. My daughter said, "I'm not coming if you go out like that."

I found some funny statements from court transcripts. It is nice to laugh a bit after the last few tense days...

Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
Witness: "After the accident?"
Lawyer: "Before the accident."
Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."

Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
Witness: "Er...his face."

Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
Witness: "Forty-five years."

Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
Witness: "Four times."

Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."

Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."

Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas."
Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."


Click here if you want to read more.

We Won! You Lost! Get Over It!

Wednesday, November 05, 2008 Posted In , , , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
Civil rights groups moved quickly today to challenge Proposition 8, asking the California Supreme Court to strike down the latest attempt to ban same-sex marriage across the state.
While refusing to concede that the ballot measure has passed, gay marriage supporters nevertheless filed a petition with the state's high court in the event the current vote holds and Proposition 8 amends the California constitution to once again outlaw marriage for gay and lesbian couples.
San Francisco City Attorney Dennis Herrera also filed an identical legal challenge in the state Supreme Court, joined by Santa Clara County and the Los Angeles city attorney. San Francisco city officials, who pushed to overturn California's gay marriage laws in the previous court fight, argue that Proposition 8 violates the equal protection rights of gay and lesbian couples.

Here's the article if you want to know more.

More Election Updates...

Wednesday, November 05, 2008 Posted In , Edit This 0 Comments »
Florida Amendment 2:
Ban on Gay Marriage: PASSED 62% to 38%

Arizona Proposition 102:
Ban on Gay Marriage: PASSED 56% to 44%

Arkansas Initiative 1:
Ban on Gay Couples Adopting Children: PASSED 57% to 43%


From Ron Prentice, Chairman of ProtectMarriage.com – Yes on 8

Wednesday, November 05, 2008 Posted In , Edit This 1 Comment »
The Yes on Proposition 8 campaign has been the single largest, most powerful grassroots movement in the history of American ballot initiative campaigns. We raised approximately $40 million from over 70,000 individual contributors. We recruited the active support of over 100,000 volunteers who gave tirelessly of their time and energies to our cause. We could not have won without them! These dedicated volunteers have visited millions of homes, made millions of phone calls, distributed over one million yard signs and displayed one million bumper strips. The silent majority is alive and well in California.
Proposition 8 has always been about restoring the traditional definition of marriage. It doesn’t discriminate or take rights away from anyone. Gay and lesbian domestic partnerships will continue to enjoy the same legal rights as married spouses. Our coalition has no plans to seek any changes in that law.
While it will take a few weeks to finish counting all the votes, Proposition 8 takes effect at midnight tonight. Just as it was before the Supreme Court’s ruling, only marriage between a man and a woman will be valid or recognized in California, regardless of when or where performed.
This has been a hard-fought campaign on both sides. Now that the people of California have decided this issue, we hope there can be a healing among all and a continued respect for the diverse views that have been expressed during this campaign.
California’s vote in favor of traditional marriage should give the silent majority comfort that they do have a voice and can and should stand up for this precious institution in legislatures throughout the world.
Marriage is between a man and a woman.

AMEN!

Ask Me!

Wednesday, November 05, 2008 Posted In , , , , , Edit This 1 Comment »
Today whilst at the gas station, a man approached MM and asked for spare change because he could not afford to buy gas. MM walked over and proceeded to pump gas into his truck. The guy thanked him, "Bless you!" then left. This is not the first time this has happened. It seems that every other time we go out, we are approached by someone wanting something. MM is approached by guys with empty gas tanks and I get Mothers From the Ukraine Who Can't Speak English Holding Crying Babies.

Seriously, I wonder why they always target us? Do we have a sign on our foreheads that only needy people can see? What does it say? "I will pay for your stuff." or, "Free money...apply here."?

I'm only saying this because the first three or four times we gave out food/money/gas I was thinking, "How do we know they aren't going to drive straight to a bar and get legless, then smash into some poor chap on the freeway?" Should we discontinue our almsgiving until we know that the gift will not be abused?

The Lord said... And also, ye yourselves will succor those that stand in need of your succor; ye will administer of your substance unto him that standeth in need; and ye will not suffer that the beggar putteth up his petition to you in vain, and turn him out to perish. (Mosiah 4:16)

He does not mention that we should first ensure that the receiver use our alms wisely. Only that we give them. I consider it a blessing to have enough to share (usually) which is a good thing, because we have these signs on our foreheads and I think they're permanent...


52% to 48%

Wednesday, November 05, 2008 Posted In Edit This 1 Comment »

Pyzam Glitter Text Maker

I saw the statistics on the California Secretary of State website at 7am this morning. The website was updating because not all results were in yet but enough of the big players had been polled to carry the proposition through.
I had hoped to post the map showing results by county but it won't refresh right now. People are jamming up the servers... this was such a hot bed of contention!

Thanks to all the hard working Yessers! I'm inviting you all to our "We Passed Prop 8" party!


It's A Violation!

Tuesday, November 04, 2008 Posted In , Edit This 4 Comments »
I wasn't going to say anything, I really wasn't but I saw it again today (completely by accident) and I just HAVE to say something.

I SERIOUSLY object to the phrase "I heart you", or "I heart purple geckos", or whatever they HEART! Have these people forgotten how to write properly? Are they grammatically challenged or just lack imagination? Do they think that writing the word "heart" will make you magically see the heart, like on the t-shirts?

In my opinion, using the word "heart" this way is an indication of:
a) a desire to follow tacky fads regardless of how tasteless, overused and cheesy they are
b) an inablility to be original
c) a personality disorder

It reminds me of when a certain repugnant heiress whose name will not besmirch my blog started saying, "That's hot", and suddenly everybody and everything was "hot". Excuse me while I puke. Like, can you please go to like, Vocabulary School?

If you want 'heart' to be a part of your pithy posting, why don't you post a picture of a heart? That would make more sense. Then, instead of my reaction being: "Oh come on! Get a life!", it would be, "Ooooh..... how pretty.... what a lovely picture of a lovely heart so cleverly inserted in the fabulous and grammatically correct sentence...ooooh!"

Join with me to stop HEART ABUSE!

Vote YES on "Prevention of Inappropriate "Heart" Posting!"

So You Like My Daughter eh?

Monday, November 03, 2008 Posted In , , , , , , , , , , Edit This 5 Comments »
In light of M.'s recently acquired 'Chick Magnet' status and A.'s impending hormone wave, we thought it pertinent to plan for the inevitable "dating" (I hate that word!), because in my opinion, it's never too early to prepare.
I am departing somewhat from her father's instructions, given the day A. was born. When I handed him his newborn baby girl the first thing he sternly told those little blue eyes was, "...These are the rules: No boys." (He really did!) However, I do want her to get married when she is thirty-five or so; so this is the application form we will be requiring all prospective "dates" to fill out prior to approval of the event. Once we have approved the date, further instructions will be provided.

Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage and medical report from your doctor.
Name:___________________ Nickname/Alias:___________________
Date Of Birth:____/____/____ height:___ Weight:____ I.Q.:___ G.P.A.:____Soc. Sec.#______-___-_______
Driver's License#____________ Boy Scout Rank:_________
Home Address:_______________________________
Cell Phone#:_________ MySpace: ______________ Facebook:_________
Do you own a. Van?___b. Truck with oversized tires?___
c. Car with a trunk full of speakers?_____
Do you have any of the following: a. An earring__ b. nose ring__
c. belly button ring__ piercings on any other body parts___
Explain:_______________________________ Tattoo?______

If you answered YES to any of the above questions, discontinue and leave the premises immediately.
Ward you attend_________How often______ Best time to interview your Bishop _____
Please fill in the blanks:
a. If I were beaten, the last bone I want broken is: ____________________________________________________
b. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me is: ____________________________________________________
c. Now answer the question you filled in on b: ____________________________________________________
I swear that all information provided above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, dismemberment, electrocution, and/or hot pokers. Signature_____________

Thank you for your interest. Please allow 4 - 6 years for processing. If your application is approved, you will be contacted in writing. If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two men wearing black suits and answering to the names "Gus" and "Louie".


(Thanks to GranGran for most of this content.)

No ifs, ands or Butts

Sunday, November 02, 2008 Posted In , , , , , , , , Edit This 2 Comments »
In the spirit of tolerance and cultural sensitivity (such hot buttons these days), I thought I would share a little bit about me. I'm starting with "Things I Never Do" and "What I Hope You Never Do" when you are around me or mine. Just fyi. Helping you out here. You know me.

There is something I see in this country that you will never, ever, ever see in a maori home (because our mamas done told us NO). In New Zealand it is more than a faux pas, more than bad manners and more than lack of hygiene. It is tapu. Sacred and forbidden.

Please, please, please! never SIT YOUR BUMS... on... TABLES! There you have it. This is the worst thing you could do in my presence. Literally. You could moonwalk past buck naked and spit in my face and it wouldn't have the same effect as if you sat on my table, or counter. I kid you not. Maoris treat their food as a sacred gift from God and do not allow the food preparation areas to be polluted. If the surface of a 'thing' could conceivably at any time in it's life support food - we don't sit on it.

There have been a few times when I have witnessed this happening and let me tell you what happens to me... I start feeling vomitous... I have to leave the room or cover my face and try to convince my eyes that they did not see what they thought they saw. Ask MM. He's the one who has to explain my sudden disappearance at social events while I'm dry heaving outside.

If it happens at MY house, the offender will be very sorry. (Last seen here? No officer, I don't even know anyone by that name...")

And you thought you knew me.





It's All About The NaBloPoMo

Sunday, November 02, 2008 Posted In , , , , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
I'm doing it this year. If I can. Maybe I can't. I may need your help.

What is NaBloPoMo? It means National Blog Posting Month and it's a competition. To participate I have to submit a posting every day for the month of November.
The thing is, I have too many distractions to really dedicate time to this. Kids, husband and two cats, not to mention all the relatives around the world clamouring for my attention. (Just kidding; they don't even like me much.)
No, it's mainly the kids. I frequently go to bed and write while my husband is snoring so that's easy. It's the whole get up in the morning, clean the house, buy the groceries, cook meals and talk at, I mean, to the children that really takes up my time. And I'm also gainfully employed (part-time). So there goes another ten minutes.

You guys could really help me out with this. Here are some of my suggestions:
a) When you comment, please keep it to three to five words, like "You are awesome", or "You are SO awesome", or "I have money for you", or something like that. Just so I don't have to spend more time than absolutely necessary reading your rubbish thoughtful remarks.
b) I need someone to collect my children from school, throw some food at them and put them to bed. I know what you're thinking and no, they have no problem eating other people's filet mignon. But don't worry about me... I don't have to eat every day...
c) I know it stinks but the cats do need the litter changed daily. I will help you out by leaving the garage door ajar so you can crawl under there to reach the litterbox. Also, Lulu has fleas so remember to bring the Frontline with you. And don't get any of it on your skin because the chemicals inhibit reproduction. That only applies if you are female and aren't old. Anyone else should be fine.

OK - well I'm all set.

Thanks everyone!


Who Turned Off Halloween?

Saturday, November 01, 2008 Posted In , , , , , , , , , , Edit This 1 Comment »
Did you get a memo from the Halloween Poobah saying Halloween is cancelled?
We left the house at around 7pm to go trick or treating. There was NOBODY around! People told us we were their first t.o.t ers! We walked down the street, turned the corner and emptiness! We checked our phones, ok, we got the date right. We checked the time, we're not too early. Shrug. Oh well.
We were quite prepared to be the only Countess Dracula (yes, it was a late name-change for C.), Rugby player with stripey socks and Nerd, oops I mean Scientist. The Ice Queen was at a party so she didn't come with us. Me? I went as a Tired Housewife...

The Ice Queen hates this pic (she didn't have all of her makeup on yet) so don't tell her I put it on here.

The geek/scientist... gorgeous!

Rugby man, "Take the picture already, I want to go!" Me- "Hang on, I haven't quite got the whole rubbish bin in the shot."

"Smile Countess!".... "No."

The kids were too scared to walk up to the house so HE came to US!

Posing with "It".
I thought this was an actual person on the roof ready to jump on us!

Some decorations were truly scary...!


So anyway, it took about 45 minutes for more Halloweeners to join us on the streets. Even then, there were less than half of the people we saw last year. It was a mystery..... until we drove past the Pumpkin Patch. There must have been HUNDREDS of cars overflowing the carparks. It was free night from 6 til 9. Can you imagine kids choosing to play on jumpies rather than go get candy? Our kids were like, "What's up with THAT?"
So then we found out that Great Oak High School had a game blah, blah, whatever... (can you tell I'm a diehard football fan?) so that's where the other half of the population was. Mystery solved. Halloween is intact. Too bad.

Here's the damage...

We decided to go with "The Bribe". One rule only - No Candy Purchases To Be Made With Bribe Money.

So, final tally, Ice Queen, 210 pieces = $10.50
The Countess, 151 pieces = $7.55
Rugby Man, 146 pieces = $7.30

I have to shell out $25.35 and I have bucket loads of sugar but I still feel like a WINNER!

Candy, anyone?

Final Words on the Matter: Yes on 8 vs. Ignorance

Friday, October 31, 2008 Posted In , , , , Edit This 1 Comment »



My daughter had an altercation with a couple of kids at school who objected to a "Yes on 8" sticker she'd placed on her binder. A girl started hitting her until C. forcibly held her hands down. C. told her she had the right to speak and asked the girl why she was so angry. The girl said, "Because you're going to vote yes!" (Oh such an intelligent reply...not.) C. calmly told her, (among other things) "I am not going to vote. I am ELEVEN!"
She had to similarly take care of a boy she caught scraping the sticker off her binder. She reported him for vandalism and he got detention x 3 for his efforts.
On the other hand - she had many requests for stickers from her friends and now there are six of them walking around with "Yes on 8" stickers on their binders!

My last thought on the subject: When I was eleven, I didn't know about same sex relationships and the first time I saw a same sex couple, I was twenty! (Remember? New Zealand!)
I am sad for my children, for the innocence lost. Can we just let them be kids for heaven's sakes? Can we let them grow up without confusing them with gender issues? And, if they choose to, can we allow them the freedom to stand up for their rights be it on the street with a "Yes on 8" sign without grown men and women giving them obscene gestures?

Do I sound angry? I am SO FRUSTRATED! Don't tell me you aren't! I won't be voting because I am a permanent resident and not a citizen but I have to live with the consequences just like you do!

I am lucky I have my daughter and others like her to teach me how to handle myself with dignity or I might be tempted to SCREAM at someone!

Update: MM. took the kids this morning to join the volunteers putting doorknob signs on pro 8 homes to remind people to vote on Tuesday. They were told that cars with "Yes on 8" stickers have been spraypainted and keyed. He said that they had to go out in pairs this time because individuals are being physically accosted by the 'Nos'. And just last night these people were handing candy out to children!

I know what Halloween is REALLY about!

Thursday, October 30, 2008 Posted In , , , , , , , , , , , , Edit This 0 Comments »
I was 36 years old when I first went trick or treating. I know! I'd been horribly deprived for 36 years! It's a wonder that I grew up mostly normal.
You see, nobody knocked on doors for free treats in New Zealand when I was a kid. We didn't even dress up. We didn't have those excessively orange, uber pumpkins on our doorsteps. We didn't have ghost or skeleton decorations. The only Halloween activities we witnessed were broadcast to us, from America, on the telly. If dad let us watch it. Instead of the Cricket.
It was useless trying to actually go out trick or treating. The only time my brother and I managed to get the courage to try it, we were chased off the property. And we couldn't even see who chasing us because we'd forgotten to cut eye holes in the sheet. It was pretty scary.
Now that I'm nearly grown up, I have children who enjoy trick or treating and the pumpkins and the ghosts, the costumes and the treats, the whole thing really. But I have grave (geddit?... grave!) reservations. Because I know that the blood soaked chainsaws and smoke machines are all just props and the real Halloween is about SUGAR. It is the sole intention and goal for all children to have tons of candy all day and all night. And the parents go along with it! But I want to put a stop to it!
Foolish, impossible wish...
Unless...
I have a GREAT idea. Go to every house that they could conceivably canvas and ask the nice people to only hand out Vegemite jars and kiwifruit to the a)Ice Queen with a sparkly blue face, b)Black Widow complete with spiderweb collar, c)rugby player with stripey socks. Yes!............ No! Logistical nightmare and the kids would get suspicious. ("Let's see what you got kids! Fifty seven jars of yeast extract each. Yay!")
OK, this is better... tell them we're going....to..........Disneyland! Yes! I am so clever! No! I am so stupid! I would actually have to take them TO Disneyland!
Alright...I've got it... I really have. I am going to BRIBE them! For every 5 pieces of candy they give me, I will pay them 25 cents. Then I will take them shopping and they can choose their favourite....um.... candy. Hmmm, that needs a little work...

Computer Generated or Not?

Wednesday, October 29, 2008 Posted In , , , Edit This 1 Comment »
I have a bit of time on my hands, you may have noticed...
I've been sick with strep throat and nothing better to do than write on my blog and watch the washing pile up...




I've Been Targeted With Spam! From China!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008 Posted In , , , , Edit This 0 Comments »


And guess what? I followed the chinese spammer back to his search page. If you want to see your own blog in chinese (it's pretty cool), just type into your browser: google.cn - that's the chinese google search page. Then do a search for your blog and when the search results show, click the chinese characters beside your blog name and voila! instant chinese translation! Chinese characters are sooo pretty!



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