I've calculated your chance of survival, but you won't like it.

Thursday, December 03, 2009 Edit This 19 Comments »
MM has a new contract which means he has to go to Los Angeles to a city called Willowbrook.  "Nice," you may say.  "Work is good," you may say.  "But, where is Willowbrook, exactly?"  I'm glad you asked!  It is smack in between WATTS and COMPTON.  Which as you know, is the perfect place for a white guy to go, by himself, in an unblemished vehicle that is transmitting on all frequencies: "Car Jack Me! You Won't Be Sorry."

For the uninitiated, Watts and Compton are about the most dangerous cities in USA.  So dangerous that the guys cannot work there after 3pm because that's when the gangbangers wake up and start looking for something to shoot.  A white man from out of town is considered a perfectly good target.  I told MM he needs to look more inconspicuous.  "Try to look less white!  Don't walk like that!  That's a white man walk!  Wear your pants lower!  Why are you tucking in your shirt?"  It was hopeless.  MM looked like a white guy failing to look like a brown guy.

Plan B.  Whine.  "Can't you send someone else to do it?  Someone less racially challenged?"

No.  MM can't send an employee somewhere where he wouldn't go himself.  Stupid ethics.

Plan C.  Go with MM to the work site.  Protect him.  Act all Hispanic. What?  I can so do it!  I've been to Mexico and they all think I'm related. Everybody spoke Spanish to me.  All I could reply was, "Donde 
está el baño?" ("Where is the toilet?")  Even my extremely rugged accent and out of context question didn't convince the Mexicans that I had no Español, I was that convincing.  I can totally get all gangster on someone.

In my dreams.

I think Plan D is the best.  Send C with him.  She already dresses like a hobo so she can lie on the street in a sleeping bag with the other vagrants, and keep an eye on her dad.  Call the cops if anything goes down. I'm sure with a bit of incentive, i.e. some more smelly old sweat pants, she'd be happy to do this.              

Bobs yer Uncle.



(Pic of C, horrified that yet again, her mother has better taste in clothes than her.)



Kristina P has suggested MM wear this.  Elegance and camouflage.  It doesn't get any better.




  

19 brilliant observations:

honeypiehorse said...

Let's hope he's pretty fly for a white guy. I grew up white in a hispanic neighborhood. I love the idea of sending your daughter along to blend. Great thinking out of the box.

Lucy said...

Love it!!!

The Garden of Egan said...

Well, make sure he has great life insurance before he goes..............just kidding!

He should really try and look less white.
For a good laugh go to youtube and type in gowhiteguy. That's my hubby's best friend in at a Best Buy...sort of dancing. He looks like a spaz! You will see why MM shouldn't try to be less white if he is white!

Hope you are having a great holiday season.

Kristina P. said...

I just saw a Snugg Life gangsta Snuggie. I think he should wear that.

Karen said...

Oh my gosh! Freaky! I don't even like driving past that area on the freeway going 70mph!

DeNae said...

Oh, my gosh. Kristina P has waaaayy too much time on her hands. That is the funniest damned picture I have EVER seen!

Dress MM up as a mime. That way, no one will know what color he really is under all that white makeup. And mimes are creepy enough to make even the most serious gang banger think twice before messing with them.

(And sister, you are keeping me on my toes. Think I didn't recognize the lingo in your post title again? It's like we have our own, extremely nerdy code going on here!)

Sherrie said...

Loved reading this post! I hope he makes it without any troubles. Love that outfit.

Sarah said...

HA! You crack me up! My mom grew up in Downy not too far from there, it used to be a nice little town. I hope he doesn't get hurt!

Nikia, May and da kids said...

Tell your man to dress like a crackhead if he's white. They'll leave him alone. He just has to front and act strung out when they approach him. As for you acting Mexican, NOT a good idea. They might mistake you as a vata loca from one of the 3 Mexican gangs there and depending on what streets your husband is working on, the wrong gang affiliation will make you a mark. NOT safe to be anyone ethnic either.

I know a few Poly sheriffs and plenty of Compton "one time" (that's what you call the cops in LA, but that's another story). I know that because I was raised in the Compton projects and grew up in Compton II ward. Yes sistah, we have plenty of wards in Compton, one in Lynwood and some in South Central which Willowbrook is technically a part of. LOL. Scary aye?

Ok I'm a devoted fan and if you check out my page you'll see the hood still turns out good LDS members with sons who are giving up rugby next season to serve missions = )

May

Cheryl said...

You crack me up. And Willowbrook sounds so pretty...

wendy said...

Yikes, scary indeed. Maybe he should drive through that part of town with a boom box strapped to the top of his car blasting out RAP music ---the kill the cops kind.
other then that, he's screwed. (tee,hee)

Lissaloo said...

That is scary, the green outfit looks like it should work though :)

the mama hood said...

Just tell your husband to speak SHIZZLE language in the GHETTO and he will be just fine!! Seriously!
Tell him take time to check out:

http://www.ghettotranslator.com/


Or maybe he could go out there with some cornrows!

Tricia said...

Hey, where can I get one of those green coats? It looks warm.

Maureen said...

I used to live down there, and I can agree with you...it's a scary place to hang. Good luck to him!

Debbie said...

It's been so cold here, I could use that Kristina suit just to stay warm. Is it bullet proof too?

Elaine said...

Oooh....be careful! I think that suit is the best plan ;)


clothedmuch.blogspot.com

Joy For Your Journey said...

I was brought in from MMWB by your post title and now I can't help but comment. First--we had a young man in our stake just get home from a mission where he served most of it in Compton. Oh the stories he has to tell!! But he survived and he was looking very white all day. Maybe your husband should dress up like a missionary instead. :-)
Second--dumbest thing I have ever done--when I was 20 a girlfriend and I met some Polynesian boys we had met in Hawaii at a McDonalds in Compton at night!! We were the only white girls around. I was from Utah and had no idea how dangerous that was. Althought that was many years ago--it was still very dangerous then. Dumb Dumb Dumb

rachel said...

The gangbangers sound like the vampires in that movie I Am Legend. They wake up after dark...Kristina's idea is a good one. The weather's so cold around here, I think I want one too!!