Rules of Engagement

Wednesday, July 15, 2009 Edit This 18 Comments »
There's a food power play going on at my house. One kid and one parent perform a verbal duel until one or the other (usually the parent) is flayed alive. It's quite funny to watch in a masochistic kind of way. It usually takes place during the summer, coincidentally when my step kids come to stay.

Scene I, Duel I... Dad vs. Son... One Fine Morning

Dad: "What would you like for breakfast? Eggs or bacon." (En garde!)
Kid: "Neither." (Quick return jab!)
Dad: "You've got to eat something! You need your energy for all the fun we're going to have today!" (Good side step!)
Kid: "You don't have any food I like." (Counter-parry!)
Dad: "How about we go get you some food you like, buddy?" (Losing ground!)
Kid: (Unenthusiastically) "Okay." (Maintain the pain!)

Intermission

Scene 2, Duel I... Dad vs. Son... $60 Later

Dad: "Here's your cereal! Bon appetit!" (Classic feint!)
Kid: "This tastes funny. I don't like it." (First blood!)
Dad: "But you chose it! You said you like it!" (Backing into a corner!)
Kid: "It's weird tasting! We should have gone to Stater Bros! The food from Albertsons tastes bad!" (Attack!)
Dad: "Okay. We'll go to Stater Bros. later." (GAME! Set and match!)

Dad limps off stage bleeding from multiple wounds. Kid triumphantly flings the contents of his plate into the disposal, then pulls a Snickers bar from his pocket.

I'm eagerly awaiting the next scene wherein Dad parts with more hard earned currency only to have the Kid declare that the food is inedible due to it not being purchased during a solar eclipse and delivered to our door by twelve flying ninja monkeys.

Inalienable Rights

Sunday, July 12, 2009 Posted In , , , Edit This 14 Comments »
MM let me borrow his laptop knowing that he will not see it for the next ten hours because I have to BLOG. I didn't have to explain that blogging is as important as breathing and is tightly and inextricably woven into the "Meaning of Life". Blogging and chocolate. The two go hand in hand. As evidenced by the brown smears of aromatic chockiness that grace MM's keyboard. I know he won't complain. He will appreciate the opportunity to snack on his ASDFG, courtesy of his loving wife.

So anyway, I was enjoying the obligatory 4th of July firework display... and quite impressive it was too... when I had a thought. Should I ever consider becoming an American citizen in the distant future, could I pass the entrance exam? I know an Australian who recently passed the test and was able to recite the Pledge of Allegiance without saying 'um' once. A tremendous feat you must admit.

So, I found an online "Could You Pass the Naturalization Test?" quiz and took it. The first question was an easy one...

"How many stripes are there on the U.S. flag?" Duh. 13.

Then the questions got harder and I was faced with this one:

"Which of the following amendments to the Constitution does NOT address or guarantee voting rights?
a) 19th Amendment
b) 24th Amendment
c) 15th Amendment
d) 7th Amendment

Say what?

Unfortunately, I only got 25% of the questions right thus FAILING to qualify to be an American. Looks like I need to attend America School. You can only be dumb if you were born here.



But seriously, could you answer that constitution question correctly?

Which leads me to a question I have...

Why does everyone gaily call out, "Happy 4th of July!"? We don't say "Merry 25th of December!" or "Happy 4th Thursday of November!" Did someone sabotage the greeting to oust the "Independence" part of Independence Day and reduce it to a fun day at the fair watching the pig races? Or, is it a slip of the tongue... an innocent omission... a lazy lippage?



The answer to the Constitution question is:
d) 7th Amendment, dummy.

DEAD!

Friday, July 10, 2009 Edit This 11 Comments »
It was swift yet quiet. One death rattle then it expired, taking my link to the outside world with it.

I'm talking about my laptop, AKA "Useless Good For Nothing Piece of Crap".

I am in the library utilizing a free yet uncomfortably public desktop, lamenting the loss of all of my vacation photos, my genealogy info (ten thousand relatives down the toilet) and my schedule for the next six months. Couples are marrying, babies are being showered, and Pack Meetings are being packed without my presence.

This is the equation for my existence right now...

MOI - LAPTOP = WRETCHEDNESS.

I need a miracle. And five quarts of cookie dough ice cream. Heck, gimme ten quarts.


hors déjeuner

Wednesday, May 20, 2009 Edit This 27 Comments »




in Paris!




C'est Magnifique!

Friday, May 15, 2009 Posted In , , , , , , , Edit This 18 Comments »
It's a special time of year! Our anniversary is fast approaching and this year we decided to forgo the traditional gift giving of previous years. Not that I didn't love my gifts. "A compost bin? For ME? Ohhh, I'm in HEAVEN!"

Nor did I eschew MM's generous offer to take me to his previous work place. "The dry dog food factory? I'd LOVE to go! Of course, I'm impressed! The dry food section smells WAY better than the wet one! You are so considerate!"

But, this year we decided to give each other a gift that transcends biodegradability ... we are going on a wee trip! We discussed it at length and MM decided he wants to go here:

and here...

while I want to go here...

and here...

So, we are going to LONDON AND PARIS!!

First we'll go to London and look at a clock. Then we will drive for two hours to pay money to join a 'tour' and walk around a pile of rubble for 45 minutes. Are you excited? Because I am.

Then, we may venture on to the London Eye, depending on whether MM can successfully bribe, cajole or otherwise convince me to step foot in it. There better be a REALLY BIG bar of chocolate preceding me on to that thing...

Then on to Buckingham Palace to watch the changing of the guard. These guys can stand still for hours balancing a wombat on their heads. Now that's talent!

Then we will ride in this super fast metal snake that travels UNDER the sea... which won't freak me out at all. I mean, there's plenty of air and no reason to worry about the billions of tons of earth and water above me while I am shooting through a narrow subterranean tunnel at a thousand miles an hour. No reason to worry at all.

So, if I survive the train ride to gay Paree, I will be in need of sustenance to calm my nerves! To the patisseries and chocolatiers toot sweet!

I may never come home or at least, not 'til the money runs out. Which will be soon. As it is, MM already has to sleep in the car for two nights...

And Then There Were Three

Thursday, May 07, 2009 Posted In , , , , Edit This 21 Comments »
I wasn't surprised that Allison got the boot on AI. She's a great kid but she was seriously out-gunned. Adam is a professional entertainer who can distort perfectly good songs and get away with it. I don't want to like him but he has this whole "charisma, good looks, insane vocal range and blue hair" thing going for him. It's a winning combination.


Danny has some skills though I was a bit worried that his final note, a Psycho-esque screech, would kill the Gokey buzz. It didn't. His fans aren't going to let a little pig squealing change their minds about him. Here is the Gokster's final notes from his infamous rendition of "Scream On" oops, I mean... "Dream On." I hope you have the stomach for it.



Kris was the sweet one who's GINORMOUS female following kept him in contention. He has shown some stamina and skill in the last few weeks and I think I underestimated him. I liked how he sang the Beatles, "Come Together", though the judges lambasted him for it. Shut up judges.


 I won't even comment about Paula's little dance number. Nooo comment.

OK, maybe just a little comment. Crappy lyrics, old moves, ho-hum.



And, what's with Gwen Stefani? She jerked herself around the stage, leaped all over the audience, nearly wiped out jumping off the riser and generally looked like an eedjit.


Then she did PUSH-UPS in the middle of the song. And what was with the weird voice? I don't remember "Just a Girl" sounding so forced. Maybe she'd been snorting something backstage... like her drummer did. Wouldn't you have to be off your face to wear this??


Unlike Kristina, I'm not one to judge, but how seriously can you take a rock band who's drummer wears a tutu? I hope this is just a temporary drug addiction. Any more of this rubbish and they'll have to change their name from "No Doubt" to "No Class."

The Votes Are In!

Sunday, May 03, 2009 Edit This 19 Comments »
I've had several suggestions to change my hairstyle to that of Jessica Biel. So, I bow to the authority of my clever bloggy friends and here is the planned makeover... keep an eye out for the actual hairstyle. I promise to post a picture.

I may change the colour to this ...

or not...



So... it's been a few days since I posted the pictures and I got my hair done. My regular stylist was not at the salon. At this point I should have left. I really should have. Instead, I asked a different girl if she would style my hair without cutting it. I showed her the picture above. "No problem! I just need to cut a little bit off here to get those layers."

At the mention of the C word, I should have walked out.

Twenty minutes and two inches on the floor later, I bestowed her with a curse that will ensure all her offspring will be born with three nostrils. Then I left.

Following is the slightly bemused pic of me after the fact. Keep in mind that I was very windswept (and not in the good, sultry kind of way) when the picture was taken by my ten year old.

Can I just say - I HATE IT!!! (MM likes it!)



What the Heck is Swine Flu?

Thursday, April 30, 2009 Posted In , , , , , Edit This 18 Comments »
If you're a conspiracy theorist, you won't be surprised by this.

Some Doctors in the USA are convinced that a vaccine manufacturer deliberately let loose a genetically modified virus to increase demand for their vaccines. Nobody knows how a flu strain that is part bird, part swine with a bit of human mixed in came about, but are sure it must have been bio-engineered. Can you say G-E-N-O-C-I-D-E?

Two organizations - Novavax and the CDC have been implicated.

The government will probably mandate the use of toxic vaccines. During the 1926 swine flu scare, more people died or were paralyzed by the vaccine than were ever affected by the flu. 28% of people died from conventional medical practices compared with 2% of people treated by natural methods during the 1918 flu pandemic. (If you don't mind graphic pics - look here.) There are better ways to fortify your bodies against this and any virus.
Here's what to do. Get twenty minutes worth of sunshine per day and/or eat plenty of Vitamin D rich foods. If you are coming down with flu like symptoms and have not been on vitamin D you can take doses of 50,000 units a day for three days to treat the acute infection.

Here are the symptoms you need to be aware of...

Fever of more than 100
Coughing
Runny nose and/or sore throat
Joint aches
Severe headache
Vomiting and/or diarrhea
Lethargy
Lack of appetite

Make the remedy listed below. It will bulletproof your system unless you sabotage it by eating crap. If you do nothing else, STOP eating WHITE FLOUR products, COFFEE, SUGAR and SODAS (including DIET soda).

YOUR BODY CANNOT ELIMINATE RUBBISH AND RESIST VIRAL INVASION AT THE SAME TIME.

Remedy:

½ cup organic horseradish
¼ cup organic garlic-minced
½ cup organic onion – chopped
¼ cup fresh organic ginger – minced
3 organic cayenne peppers – minced
1 cup Apple cider vinegar(Braggs is good)
½ cup raw honey

Drop two teaspoonfuls in a glass of water—swirl around your mouth for ten seconds and then swallow. Do this every hour on the hour until symptoms abate. If you can't abide the taste, mix it into some organic apple juice. Take 2-3 x a day as maintenance.

Look after yourself!



Turn Left

Monday, April 27, 2009 Posted In , , , Edit This 16 Comments »
MM and I take the opportunity to teach the children good solid principals whenever we can. We try to instill values like honesty, integrity and changing the toilet roll when it's empty, at least once a week.

Sometimes it works and we are rewarded with the dawning of comprehension on the child's face. But other times, it seems that we are talking to an alien who just transferred into the child's body and who hasn't yet learned to converse in our strange garbled language. "Uh, wha..? Ahhh.... huh?"

Recently, we tried to create a reverent and thought-provoking atmosphere when we played the Church conference talks in the car. It seemed to work well and the children were quietly listening until the GPS got involved. Imagine if you will, a scene of attentiveness to thoughtful words of wisdom... "What man of you, having an hundred sheep, if he lose one of them, doth not leave the ninety and nine in the wilderness, and... DRIVE SIX POINT FIVE MILES THEN TAKE EXIT THIRTY FOUR ON RIGHT."
 Even President Monson was interfered with... "We know that there are times when we will suffer, when we will grieve, and when we will... TURN LEFT AT WATSON STREET."

We were literally choking with laughter. At the end of the talks, I tried to redeem the situation by asking the kids what was the most meaningful thing they learned. They assured me that they realized that at some time in their lives, they will, with earnest endeavour, make the life-affirming decision... to turn left.
At Watson Street.


Virtually Me

Wednesday, April 22, 2009 Posted In , , , , , , , Edit This 23 Comments »
I want a makeover. I need a makeover. I deserve a makeover!

I have been dropping hints to MM about this for some time, saying things like, "I would so LOVE IT if Clinton and Stacey would drop by and surprise me with a $5,000 shopping spree.... you know... on that show, "What Not To Wear"? Boy, that would be so cool if someone who really loved me nominated me for the show. Stacey would leap out from behind a bush and then I'd go to New York and get a whole new wardrobe! Wouldn't that be COOL?"

MM: "Hmmmm..."

I try again. "Because that would be awesome and it would cost us NOTHING and I would get professional advice and and learn how to look hip, cool... and all that. Y'know what I mean?"

MM: "Uh-huh."

OK, not the desired response.

It doesn't look like I am going to be on the show anytime soon. I'm on my own. I wasn't feeling too good about showing my flab to millions of Americans in the circular mirror ANYWAY. But I need to do something, so let's start with hair... I tried a few celebrity styles and I just don't know which one looks best. Help?

Gwyneth Paltrow:


Eva Longoria:


Debra Messing:


Camilla Belle:


Cameron Diaz:


Jennifer Hudson:


Jennifer Garner:


Jennifer Aniston:


Jada Pinkett-Smith:


Heidi Klum:


Kyra Sedgwick:


Jessica Biel:


Jennifer Lopez:


Taylor Momsen:


Taraji Henson:


Nicole Ritchie:


Lauren Conrad:


Kate Winslet:



Who ARE these people anyway?

You can go play with this software here and also make yourself glamorous with a bit of makeup and change your eye colour if you so desire. Like here where I gave myself violet, green and blue eyes.







Whaddya reckon?


Beware the Ides of Moi!

Monday, April 20, 2009 Posted In , , Edit This 16 Comments »
I suffer from an ailment. It's called "foot-in-mouth" disease. If I ever see a woman I know, with a largish tummy, I will not ask her, "When are you due?" No, I will not. Then I will not hear the resulting answer, "I had the baby six months ago!" And then I will not notice that the bundle she was clutching was not, in fact, an assortment of rags, but was, in fact, a six month old baby.

This is not the first time I have said something completely inappropriate. My brain is unfortunately connected to my mouth, so while I am still processing information, my mouth decides to pass the half-formed conclusion along before my brain can take evasive action.

Perhaps I should not have slunk away red-faced though I saw this as the only option at the time since MM was inconveniently absent just when I could have done with some diplomacy. Perhaps I should have said something, offered her money, chocolate, a cute little kitty? Was there any way of redeeming the situation?

Newer Posts
Older Posts