Rules of Engagement

Wednesday, July 15, 2009 Edit This 19 Comments »
There's a food power play going on at my house. One kid and one parent perform a verbal duel until one or the other (usually the parent) is flayed alive. It's quite funny to watch in a masochistic kind of way. It usually takes place during the summer, coincidentally when my step kids come to stay.

Scene I, Duel I... Dad vs. Son... One Fine Morning

Dad: "What would you like for breakfast? Eggs or bacon." (En garde!)
Kid: "Neither." (Quick return jab!)
Dad: "You've got to eat something! You need your energy for all the fun we're going to have today!" (Good side step!)
Kid: "You don't have any food I like." (Counter-parry!)
Dad: "How about we go get you some food you like, buddy?" (Losing ground!)
Kid: (Unenthusiastically) "Okay." (Maintain the pain!)

Intermission

Scene 2, Duel I... Dad vs. Son... $60 Later

Dad: "Here's your cereal! Bon appetit!" (Classic feint!)
Kid: "This tastes funny. I don't like it." (First blood!)
Dad: "But you chose it! You said you like it!" (Backing into a corner!)
Kid: "It's weird tasting! We should have gone to Stater Bros! The food from Albertsons tastes bad!" (Attack!)
Dad: "Okay. We'll go to Stater Bros. later." (GAME! Set and match!)

Dad limps off stage bleeding from multiple wounds. Kid triumphantly flings the contents of his plate into the disposal, then pulls a Snickers bar from his pocket.

I'm eagerly awaiting the next scene wherein Dad parts with more hard earned currency only to have the Kid declare that the food is inedible due to it not being purchased during a solar eclipse and delivered to our door by twelve flying ninja monkeys.


Inalienable Rights

Sunday, July 12, 2009 Posted In , , , Edit This 14 Comments »
MM let me borrow his laptop knowing that he will not see it for the next ten hours because I have to BLOG. I didn't have to explain that blogging is as important as breathing and is tightly and inextricably woven into the "Meaning of Life". Blogging and chocolate. The two go hand in hand. As evidenced by the brown smears of aromatic chockiness that grace MM's keyboard. I know he won't complain. He will appreciate the opportunity to snack on his ASDFG, courtesy of his loving wife.

So anyway, I was enjoying the obligatory 4th of July firework display... and quite impressive it was too... when I had a thought. Should I ever consider becoming an American citizen in the distant future, could I pass the entrance exam? I know an Australian who recently passed the test and was able to recite the Pledge of Allegiance without saying 'um' once. A tremendous feat you must admit.

So, I found an online "Could You Pass the Naturalization Test?" quiz and took it. The first question was an easy one...

"How many stripes are there on the U.S. flag?" Duh. 13.


Then the questions got harder and I was faced with this one:

"Which of the following amendments to the Constitution does NOT address or guarantee voting rights?
a) 19th Amendment
b) 24th Amendment
c) 15th Amendment
d) 7th Amendment

Say what?

Unfortunately, I only got 25% of the questions right thus FAILING to qualify to be an American. Looks like I need to attend America School. You can only be dumb if you were born here.



But seriously, could you answer that constitution question correctly?

Which leads me to a question I have...

Why does everyone gaily call out, "Happy 4th of July!"? We don't say "Merry 25th of December!" or "Happy 4th Thursday of November!" Did someone sabotage the greeting to oust the "Independence" part of Independence Day and reduce it to a fun day at the fair watching the pig races? Or, is it a slip of the tongue... an innocent omission... a lazy lippage?




The answer to the Constitution question is:
d) 7th Amendment, dummy.



DEAD!

Friday, July 10, 2009 Edit This 11 Comments »
It was swift yet quiet. One death rattle then it expired, taking my link to the outside world with it.

I'm talking about my laptop, AKA "Useless Good For Nothing Piece of Crap".


I am in the library utilizing a free yet uncomfortably public desktop, lamenting the loss of all of my vacation photos, my genealogy info (ten thousand relatives down the toilet) and my schedule for the next six months. Couples are marrying, babies are being showered, and Pack Meetings are being packed without my presence.

This is the equation for my existence right now...

MOI - LAPTOP = WRETCHEDNESS.

I need a miracle. And five quarts of cookie dough ice cream. Heck, gimme ten quarts.