What the Heck is Swine Flu?

Thursday, April 30, 2009 Posted In , , , , , Edit This 18 Comments »
If you're a conspiracy theorist, you won't be surprised by this.

Some Doctors in the USA are convinced that a vaccine manufacturer deliberately let loose a genetically modified virus to increase demand for their vaccines. Nobody knows how a flu strain that is part bird, part swine with a bit of human mixed in came about, but are sure it must have been bio-engineered. Can you say G-E-N-O-C-I-D-E?

Two organizations - Novavax and the CDC have been implicated.

The government will probably mandate the use of toxic vaccines. During the 1926 swine flu scare, more people died or were paralyzed by the vaccine than were ever affected by the flu. 28% of people died from conventional medical practices compared with 2% of people treated by natural methods during the 1918 flu pandemic. (If you don't mind graphic pics - look here.) There are better ways to fortify your bodies against this and any virus.
Here's what to do. Get twenty minutes worth of sunshine per day and/or eat plenty of Vitamin D rich foods. If you are coming down with flu like symptoms and have not been on vitamin D you can take doses of 50,000 units a day for three days to treat the acute infection.

Here are the symptoms you need to be aware of...

Fever of more than 100
Coughing
Runny nose and/or sore throat
Joint aches
Severe headache
Vomiting and/or diarrhea
Lethargy
Lack of appetite

Make the remedy listed below. It will bulletproof your system unless you sabotage it by eating crap. If you do nothing else, STOP eating WHITE FLOUR products, COFFEE, SUGAR and SODAS (including DIET soda).

YOUR BODY CANNOT ELIMINATE RUBBISH AND RESIST VIRAL INVASION AT THE SAME TIME.

Remedy:

½ cup organic horseradish
¼ cup organic garlic-minced
½ cup organic onion – chopped
¼ cup fresh organic ginger – minced
3 organic cayenne peppers – minced
1 cup Apple cider vinegar(Braggs is good)
½ cup raw honey

Drop two teaspoonfuls in a glass of water—swirl around your mouth for ten seconds and then swallow. Do this every hour on the hour until symptoms abate. If you can't abide the taste, mix it into some organic apple juice. Take 2-3 x a day as maintenance.

Look after yourself!



Turn Left

Monday, April 27, 2009 Posted In , , , Edit This 16 Comments »
MM and I take the opportunity to teach the children good solid principals whenever we can. We try to instill values like honesty, integrity and changing the toilet roll when it's empty, at least once a week.

Sometimes it works and we are rewarded with the dawning of comprehension on the child's face. But other times, it seems that we are talking to an alien who just transferred into the child's body and who hasn't yet learned to converse in our strange garbled language. "Uh, wha..? Ahhh.... huh?"

Recently, we tried to create a reverent and thought-provoking atmosphere when we played the Church conference talks in the car. It seemed to work well and the children were quietly listening until the GPS got involved. Imagine if you will, a scene of attentiveness to thoughtful words of wisdom... "What man of you, having an hundred sheep, if he lose one of them, doth not leave the ninety and nine in the wilderness, and... DRIVE SIX POINT FIVE MILES THEN TAKE EXIT THIRTY FOUR ON RIGHT."
Even President Monson was interfered with... "We know that there are times when we will suffer, when we will grieve, and when we will... TURN LEFT AT WATSON STREET."

We were literally choking with laughter. At the end of the talks, I tried to redeem the situation by asking the
kids what was the most meaningful thing they learned. They assured me that they realized that at some time in their lives, they will, with earnest endeavour, make the life-affirming decision... to turn left.
At Watson Street.



Virtually Me

Wednesday, April 22, 2009 Posted In , , , , , , , Edit This 23 Comments »
I want a makeover. I need a makeover. I deserve a makeover!

I have been dropping hints to MM about this for some time, saying things like, "I would so LOVE IT if Clinton and Stacey would drop by and surprise me with a $5,000 shopping spree.... you know... on that show, "What Not To Wear"? Boy, that would be so cool if someone who really loved me nominated me for the show. Stacey would leap out from behind a bush and then I'd go to New York and get a whole new wardrobe! Wouldn't that be COOL?"

MM: "Hmmmm..."


I try again. "Because that would be awesome and it would cost us NOTHING and I would get professional advice and and learn how to look hip, cool... and all that. Y'know what I mean?"


MM: "Uh-huh."


OK, not the desired response.

It doesn't look like I am going to be on the show anytime soon. I'm on my own. I wasn't feeling too good about showing my flab to millions of Americans in the circular mirror ANYWAY.
But I need to do something, so let's start with hair... I tried a few celebrity styles and I just don't know which one looks best. Help?

Gwyneth Paltrow:



Eva Longoria:


Debra Messing:


Camilla Belle:


Cameron Diaz:


Jennifer Hudson:


Jennifer Garner:


Jennifer Aniston:


Jada Pinkett-Smith:


Heidi Klum:


Kyra Sedgwick:


Jessica Biel:


Jennifer Lopez:


Taylor Momsen:


Taraji Henson:


Nicole Ritchie:


Lauren Conrad:


Kate Winslet:



Who ARE these people anyway?

You can go play with this software here and also make yourself glamorous with a bit of makeup and change your eye colour if you so desire. Like here where I gave myself violet, green and blue eyes.







Whaddya reckon?


Beware the Ides of Moi!

Monday, April 20, 2009 Posted In , , Edit This 16 Comments »
I suffer from an ailment. It's called "foot-in-mouth" disease. If I ever see a woman I know, with a largish tummy, I will not ask her, "When are you due?" No, I will not. Then I will not hear the resulting answer, "I had the baby six months ago!" And then I will not notice that the bundle she was clutching was not, in fact, an assortment of rags, but was, in fact, a six month old baby.

This is not the first time I have said something completely inappropriate. My brain is unfortunately connected to my mouth, so while I am still processing information, my mouth decides to pass the half-formed conclusion along before my brain can take evasive action.

Perhaps I should not have slunk away red-faced though I saw this as the only option at the time since MM was inconveniently absent just when I could have done with some diplomacy. Perhaps I should have said something, offered her money, chocolate, a cute little kitty? Was there any way of redeeming the situation?

Potty Talk

Sunday, April 19, 2009 Posted In , , , Edit This 19 Comments »
I've visited some interesting public restrooms in my time. The Chinese like to squat over a hole in the floor while the Americans prefer that their bums not come in contact with the ground. The toilet I visited at the New Orleans airport was a fabulous feat of engineering. Every time you flush, it dispenses a clean seat cover onto itself. Twelve flushes later, I remembered what I went there for...

In New Zealand, they are extolling the virtues of the automatic toilet that cleans itself. Unless you are the poor lady who somehow got locked inside one and was given a thorough bowl clean at half past three. The lawsuit is ongoing.

I was in the movie theatre restroom when I overheard a mother and child talking...
Mother: "Keep still, you're getting it everywhere!"
Child: "I want to go to the Big Boy room!"
Mother: "You're too little!"
(Sound of a cellphone ringing.)
Mother: "No... leave it! DON'T.....!"

SPLASH
!

Who needs movies?

What Has Been Seen Cannot Be Unseen

Friday, April 17, 2009 Posted In , , , , , Edit This 17 Comments »
One of my girls doesn't want me to tell anyone that she is grounded or how it came about. So here goes...

It all started when the girls announced that the Young Women from our ward would be fund raising for their Summer Camp by working in the local movie theatre.

On the appointed night, we took them to the theatre where they were given a list of their duties and sent to their stations. C was excited to be the "Welcomer". You know, the one that takes your ticket, hands you the stub and tells you in a bored voice to enjoy your movie.


A wanted to 'ush' and do the concessions. Hanging around popcorn is her favourite thing. I think she actually ended up cleaning toilets which I personally think is good training for the future. (If she doesn't get into MIT, at least she has a skill to fall back on.)

MM and I went to see "Mall Cop" (un-entertaining slapstick that was not particularly funny although everyone around me howled with laughter).

Halfway through the movie, the girls came in, announced that their 'shift' was over and that they were going movie-hopping.

When the movie was over we went out to wait for the girls. Eventually, one child emerged from "Bedtime Stories" and the other walked out of... OH NO, SHE DIDN'T!! "A Curious Case of Benjamin Button!"

As a family, we have banned PG-13 movies. I see them as a threat. This one had what I particularly hate - sexual content and bad language. I detest all forms of muck spoiling both my literary enjoyment and my viewing pleasure. Call me a prude - I relish the title. When I was a kid, the PG-13s were clean and the Rs had the rubbish. We have seen a gradual relaxation of standards over the years and have become so desensitized that we accept the depravity Hollywood hands us in our "family entertainment" without a whisper of protest. I cannot and will not stand idly by and allow them to pour filth into mine and my children's minds. Even the PGs contain stuff I would prefer not to be exposed to.

The child looked guilty as heck and insisted that she'd accidentally stumbled into the movie not realising that it was PG-13. I may have been easier on her if she'd shown some remorse or admitted that she'd been curious.... but all she did was act peed off that she'd been caught and get all angry and stupid.

This is why she missed a friends birthday party and is skulking around in her room at the moment.

But... do you think we were too harsh? I mean, we only expect from the children what we are willing to adhere to ourselves.

Bad Mood Zone

Wednesday, April 15, 2009 Posted In , , Edit This 20 Comments »
I should never have got out of bed today. Today just didn't go right. I'm not naming names but someone left the gas stove on all night, someone squished a bike helmet backing out of the garage this morning and someone left my car radio on the Country Western station. As if that wasn't enough, my favourite show was zapped by a power cut to the DVR so after all this abuse I was forced to eat chocolate to take my mind off it. Which is like the worst thing I could do to myself.

But, I came to my senses and went to my garden and yanked some vegetables out. I quickly ate about ten pounds of carrots and swiss chard to counter the chocolate effects. I think I caught it in time...


Thank goodness for American Idol. I can take my frustrations out on Paula. Which is kind of cruel, because she singlehandedly supports an entire third world country with her annual lipgloss purchases. They even named their new shade in her honour. It's called "Slimy Pink Teeth'. So, even though she's a shameless suck up, she's a really good person too.

I am not surprised that Matt got hoofed off Idol but I was surprised that the Judges saved him. He can sing okay but he doesn't have the support of Lil who has 100% of the African American population behind her no matter how much genre-hopping she does. If I were to hazard a guess, I'd say that Adam Lambert is going to win this competition. In spite of his Rapidly-Becoming-Trademark-Screech. Which I don't like but find strangely fascinating.

I wonder which Disco song he will be screeching next week? I'd like to see him sing "Staying Alive" by the Bee Gees. Can we send in our requests?


A Belated Easter Wish

Monday, April 13, 2009 Posted In , , Edit This 17 Comments »


Usually I write my post, then MM checks it and gives helpful suggestions like..."Why did you talk about Somali hijackers when everyone else is posting Easter pics and being grateful for the Saviour's Resurrection?" and constructive criticism like that. Unfortunately, MM was napping when I posted yesterdays inanity so he was not able to tell me how 'Seasonally Inappropriate' I was until after the fact.

Wot. Ever.

I know I'm coming across as an unchristian wretch but I'm truly not. To prove it I will tell you what we did while on vacation. We downloaded the LDS Semi-Annual Conference Talks mp3s and played them for six hours straight whilst driving last Sunday. That's dedication, that is. Barreling down the freeway in our metal pollution box (i.e. car) we listened intently to the speakers and sustained the new authorities by raising our right hands. The kids slunk down in their seats so as not to be seen by others driving alongside. I don't know why. What's so odd about people in their car raising their arms in sync eight to ten times? Nothing, I tell you.

Anyway, Happy Easter. Please find obligatory egg and bunny pics below:




Back to the Grind

Sunday, April 12, 2009 Posted In , , , Edit This 11 Comments »
We're home!!!! Yay!!! I know you are all leaping for joy as you read that I am back to plague your life with my inanities (my word for the day).

Thanks to all who enquired after my health. I am doing brilliantly, the gallstones have been eradicated and I will always be glad that I did not allow the "Doctor" (and I use the term loosely) to surgically remove my gallbladder. Like my MIL says, "You need to keep your insides INSIDE."

But to the matter at hand. And I am referring, of course, to the recent rescue of the US Captain from the Somali pirates. I am uber-impressed with the Navy Snipers ability to pick off the thugs whilst standing on a Destroyer being thrashed around in high seas. Cool!

One of the surviving pirates made threats against the US saying that by using our military might, we are marked for retaliation. "In the future, America will be the one mourning and crying," he told The Associated Press. "We will retaliate (for) the killings of our men." Like he would want his country to sit back and do nothing if his countryman was being held hostage by a bunch of murdering thugs!

But here's the thing... the ship the Somali thugs attempted to hijack had been carrying food aid bound for Rwanda, Somalia and Uganda!

Talk about biting the hand that feeds!!


Saturday, April 04, 2009 Edit This 13 Comments »
Hi folks,

I am on vacation... wagging more....

...barking less...