One time I helped my mate T look for a new flat apartment. I said I would go with her 'cos she was up the duff pregnant and feeling a bit knackered tired. She likes to go in my car 'cos it's flash nice and grunty powerful while her ute pick-up is puckeroo not working ('cos she pranged crashed it) and the boot trunk is chocka full with fizzy soda cans.
T's a real hard case funny person and we always crack each other up. We sent our kids to get their togs swimsuits and jandals flip flops on and go down the beach. They were like, "Can we have some pingers money to take to the dairy corner store? We're like, "What are ya?" "No way!" and they're like, "But, it's kai food time!" and we're like, "Tough bikkies!" "Too bad!" So, they whinged whined their heads off.
Finally, T gives in and hands them some lollies candy and a chilly bin igloo full of L&P soda like 7-Up and some takeaways fast food and they're like, "Sweet as!" "Awesome!" So we left them there and were on our way.
It took ages (and T yacked talked the whole way) but we finally sussed out organised a flat. It was in the wops boonies but it was nice. Then we went to pick up the kids but one of them had packed a sad hissy fit and took off. So we raced over the judder-bars speed bumps looking for him. We spotted him up by the public loos restrooms. He was chucking stones at someone's chooks hens and making them run onto the tar seal road. I knew T was gonna have his guts for garters! tear him limb from limb, well not literally... you know what I mean
Then T spotted her ex-husband with his girlfriend and wanted to take a jack nuhi good look. She jumped out of the car while I was halfway up the roundabout. "Crikey dick! "Gee willikers!"
Can ya wait 'til I stop the car before you leap out?" By the time I parked the car, she was having a right old barney argument with L while the kids were gawking staring from the car. I pulled her away from him, then I threw her in the car and went flat stick really fast back to town.
T laughed as she pulled out heaps of cash. "L's a prat dickhead, but we're home 'n' hosed fine 'cos I flogged stole his wallet and he's shouting paying for lunch today!" I busted a gut laughing! It's been yonks a really long time since I've had that much fun!
**If you're wondering, this is ALL TRUE.
T is madder than a meat axe.
One time I helped my mate T look for a new flat. I said I would go with her 'cos she was up the duff and feeling a bit knackered. She likes to go in my car 'cos it's flash and grunty while her ute is puckeroo ('cos she pranged it) and the boot is chocka with fizzy cans. T's a real hard case and we always crack each other up.
We sent our kids to get their togs and jandals on and go down the beach. They were like, "Can we have some pingers to take to the dairy? We're like, "What are ya?" and they're like, "But, it's kai time!" and we're like, "Tough bikkies!" So, they whinged their heads off.
Finally, T gives in and hands them some lollies and a chilly bin full of L&P and some takeaways and they're like, "Sweet as!"
So we left them there and were on our way. It took ages (and T yacked the whole way) but we finally sussed out a flat. It was in the wops but it was nice.
Then we went to pick up the kids but one of them had packed a sad and took off. So we raced over the judder-bars looking for him. We spotted him up by the public loos. He was chucking stones at someone's chooks and making them run onto the tar seal. I knew T was gonna have his guts for garters!
Then T spotted her ex-husband with his girlfriend and wanted to take a jack nuhi. She jumped out of the car while I was halfway up the roundabout. "Crikey dick! Can ya wait 'til I stop the car before you leap out?" By the time I parked the car, she was having a right old barney with L while the kids were gawking from the car. I pulled her away from him, then I threw her in the car and went flat stick back to town.
T laughed as she pulled out heaps of cash. "L's a prat, but we're home 'n' hosed 'cos I flogged his wallet and he's shouting lunch today!" I busted a gut laughing!
It's been yonks since I've had that much fun!
"Sure!" said C.
"Yes, that's our mum!" said A. "Because we recently got some red and blue lights and put them on top of the car. And mum recently joined the Police force. And then, she recently turned into a man and shaved her head!"
I thought this was hilarious... but I may just be suffering from the shock of a recently acquired bald head.
Anytime and anywhere they hear a kid say something profane, they say, very loudly, "BLEEEEP!" In the cafeteria... BLEEEP! Classroom... BLEEEP!
They were sitting outside at lunchtime and a guy walked past them...
"Man, I can't believe that &*%$#..."BLEEEEP!
"What the...?" "BLEEEP!""Why are you &*%#$...beeping me?" "BLEEEEP!" Giggle.
I'm going to initiate it in my home. For just me. When I hear something I don't like or something that I know will involve work, I can use it...
"Can I have some money for...."BLEEEP!
"Why do I have to clean the..."BLEEEEEP!
"Can I go to the movies with..."BEEEEP!
"I want that toy/CD/game/cell phone..."BLEEEP!"
"I hate you for not getting me the toy/CD/game/cell phone...!"BLEEEP, BLEEEEEP!"
They will learn not to use that kind of language around me!
Staying up late at night to blog is not working for me anymore because I keep falling asleep and MM's snoring is no longer doing the trick. Bless his heart though, he tries.
Right now, I am sitting here listening to MM. He is telling the girls that it doesn't matter who didn't flush the toilet, it matters that nobody wants to flush it now.
C came dancing into the room to tell me she is going to make my breakfast. I hope the shock didn't register on my face.
That was twenty minutes ago...
A came in to nosey at what I'm writing. M said, "I bet she's blogging about us not flushing the toilet."
And the sad thing is, he's right.
And, I haven't noticed this before, but he really looks like Joe Jonas from "The Jonas Brothers" band. If you have pre-teens, you'll know who I am talking about.
My favourite worst: Dean Anthony Bradford, "Failed Entrepreneur" mangled Simply Red's "Stars". If the bad singing didn't do him in, the coat and the weird facial contortions would have.
My other favourite worst: Tiffany Shedd. Simey called her a donkey except donkeys don't wear such atrocious make-up.
I was a bit surprised with the judges reaction to Mark Mudd's casual remark, "Be careful." Anybody would have thought he was about to lob a hand-grenade at them! "Was that a threat? I think he just threatened us!" Come on, you sissy girls, he was just saying "goodbye"!
Finally, this is a girl we will probably be seeing alot of whether she makes it in American Idol or not. Joanna Pacitti. Looks and talent.
Choose one of the following:
a) Checking in with my probation officer.
b) Performing my civic (jury) duty.
c) Showing off my ample bosom.
d) Attending my DUI hearing.
e) Paying multiple misdemeanor fines.
f) Meeting my pal Judge Judy for lunch.
g) Using the restroom.
If you guess correctly, (and even if you don't) I will put you in the draw for a giveaway. This is not a shameless attempt to get attention... I had my fill of that at the Courthouse.
So COMMENT and WIN!
Here is the prize... The Barbie Diaries DVD... brand new and sealed. You are going to make some little girl (or boy?) very happy! (click on the picture for more dvd info, giveaway ends Jan 22 at 12pm)
I lined up with the crowd of people who had to go into the courthouse. After a few minutes I got to the front of the line and placed my bag, phone and keys on the security conveyor belt. As I stepped through the metal detector the alarm beeped. I turned to the two elderly security guards and shrugged. I emptied my pockets and they motioned for me to walk through again.
Hand-held metal detector... "beeeeeeep."
I looked helplessly at the security guard in front of me. He said, in an unnecessarily loud voice... "HMMM, I'M WONDERING... YOU'RE NOT WEARING ONE OF THOSE NEW-FANGLED UNDERWIRE BRAS ARE YA?" (pointing to my boobage)
Every head in the line behind me swivelled in my direction as I tried to answer this question in a dignified manner.
"Uh... yes, I think I may be wearing one of those..."
"SPEAK UP THERE, MA'AM!" he fairly screamed at me. "YOU'LL HAVE TO SAY IT INTO MY OTHER EAR... I'M A LITTLE HARD OF HEARING IN THIS ONE!"
"NO NEED TO BE EMBARRASSED MA'AM!" he shouted, "IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME! THEY'RE USING STURDY WIRE IN THOSE CONTRAPTIONS AND THEY ALWAYS SET THE ALARM OFF!" (Snorts and chortles to his ancient cohort.)
I made a hasty red-faced exit.
I have since discovered that security staff have the right to ask you to remove your new-fangled contraption before granting you entrance.
A bit of advice... wear your "non-fangled" contraption when you next go through a metal detector.
Save yourself the humiliation.
1. Favourite movies: Bladerunner, Aliens, Back To The Future, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Ghostbusters, Raiders of the Lost Ark, The Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi, The Terminator.
2. Favourite books: Anything by JRR Tolkien, Chronicles of Thomas Covenant by Stephen R Donaldson, Animal Farm by George Orwell, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams.
3. Favourite music: Devo, Human League, Eurythmics, Blondie, B-52's, Classix Nouveau, Depeche Mode, Falco, Gary Numan, Grace Jones, Landscape, Talking Heads, Simple Minds, Icehouse, Joy Division, The Cure, UB40, Blancmange, China Crisis, Ultravox.
4. Favourite video: Although it wasn't my favourite song, I liked the video for A-Ha's "Take On Me". Very artistic and ahead of it's time, I thought.
5. Favourite TV shows: Dr. Who, Fawlty Towers, Twilight Zone, Amazing Stories, Solid Gold, Max Headroom, Mork and Mindy. (don't say it)
6. Hair: Too traumatic to talk about.
7. Make up: Black eyeliner and that's all because wearing makeup at my school was so "wannabe".
8. Favourite foods: Fish and chips, chippies, french fries, crisps, chocolate.
9. Fashion sense: Black anything with pink fishnet stockings. (I was fifteen! It was the eighties!)
10. Confidence: Zero confidence but once I knew I had no chance with the cool kids, I found my fellow misfits and was just fine. I was probably the only normal one in the bunch.
11. Favourite subject: English, because our teacher gave us ice cream.
12. Least favourite subject: Physics. I mean, what for?
13. Sports: I sucked at everything except table tennis. But I haven't played it in so long, I suck at that too, now.
14. Favourite memory: Being in the school play "Thirteen Daughters". One day we were rehearsing and someone knocked over the lunch tray. All the food went flying and I turned around and said, "Hey! Who 'pea'd on the floor?" People laughed their heads off (lame I know) and one of the popular boys put his arm around my shoulders and I basked in my fame for a whole lunch break.
15. Most embarrassing thing: I felt the elastic in my undies snap whilst running to the cafeteria. When they started sliding down my legs, I stopped mid-step and tried to stay VERY STILL until there was no one around, so I could skulk off to the bathroom. (Wearing a skirt, people!) My friends kept coming up to me saying, "Come on! Aren't you hungry?" I just smiled and looked COMPLETELY STUPID.
16. Popularity: I was popular with the people who weren't popular.
17. Biggest bummer: Getting a new English teacher.
18. Smartest thing I did after High School: Still waiting...
You can even post your dirty/clean/questionable/harmless secret if you want.
I posted something. And no, I wasn't the one who said they don't shower (gross) and I wasn't the one who said they have credit cards their husband doesn't know about (oh boy).
Last count... 318 comments.
Read 'em and WEEP.
P.S. I posted some more comments on there and I feel purged... I think it's therapeutic...
“The truth is this takes place in Utah, the truth is these people are some bizarre offshoot of the Mormon Church, and the truth is a lot of Mormons gave a lot of money to the church to make Prop-8 happen,” he told Tarts.
“There are a lot of people who feel that is un-American and I am one of them. I do not like to see any discrimination codified on any piece of paper, in any of the 50 states in America, but here’s what happens now. A little bit of light can be shed and people can see who's responsible and that can motivate the next go around of our self correcting constitution and hopefully we can move forward instead of backwards. So lets have faith in not only the American, but Californian constitutional process.”
What an uninformed, bigoted, pig snot of a statement! It's contradictory, inflammatory and just plain WRONG!
I agree with The Jawa Report, that "Also un-American by his definition? ... Americans."
Don't you always mistrust people who feel they need to open their sentence with "The truth is..." and then continue to insist on it throughout the tirade?
Tom Hanks has just been nominated for my "Major Ignoramus Award". He's at the top so far. Vote for Tom! (Unaware that Gay Marriage isn't legal in 49 states.)
I have alot more indignation but I don't want to pop a blood vessel so I'll end my rant here. Feel free to voice your opinion whether you agree or not, but keep it clean or I'll be forced to put you on an island with a pair of ice skates and a volleyball.
Who told them they had talent anyway?
I felt very sorry for Michael Nicewonder but he was my favourite worst...
...or this guy, I can't decide...
Don't you love a man who can wear a woman's top and get away with it?
I couldn't find the pic of Jared Wiley who, "climbed the frothy mountains" but he got top billing also.
I die of embarrassment on their behalf when they beg to be humiliated on worldwide tv, but this is a huge part of the entertainment factor for me. And let's face it, if the show didn't have the weirdos and crazies, I probably wouldn't watch it.
And is it just me, or does Danny Gokey look ALOT like Robert Downey Junior, without the drug addiction?
One thing I loathe to do is grocery shopping. I have strict dietary requirements. I prefer to eat real food as opposed to stuff masquerading as food. This means I have to stop and read all the ingredients to learn about each foods level of evilness.
As you can imagine, this takes hours and shortens tempers all around. Nobody likes to go shopping with me because I have to keep calling MM. "Can you google 'Potassium Bromate'?... uh huh... oh dear. Kids! Throw out the raisin bread, hamburger buns and bagels!"
After hours of this I make my way to the checkout with our groceries. Five organic bananas, a bottle of rice milk and twelve bars of chocolate.
I am very disenchanted with food in general, although you wouldn't know that to look at me. I like to eat but I don't like to be contaminated with all the toxic additives. (This does not include chocolate because we all know that the benefits outweigh the risk.)
So, I am looking for a way to eat healthy that doesn't involve joining a kibbutz, starting a commune, or swapping my Expedition for a horse and moving to Pennsylvania to become Amish. But then again, I do love Amish food...
I'm sure MM wouldn't mind growing a funny beard and changing his name to "Jacob Yoder", but the horse and buggy would play havoc with his sensitive bladder.
Oh, what the heck, I'll try anything once!
I better go practice my Amish... "Throw me down the stairs my shoes."
"Outen the light..."
The sign they were holding said:
"MY WIFE AND I ARE STRANDED AND HUNGRY, PLEASE HELP."
I have no problem sharing with those in need, (but for the grace of God, there go I) but I am a bit confused. I am assuming these people had nowhere to stay and no money. But they had money to purchase the cardboard and the thick black sharpie with which to make their sign.
Or, did they anticipate that they would become poor so planned ahead to bring cardboard and a sharpie?
Or, is there a Hobo Fairy that 'poofs' into existence the moment you become destitute, who solemnly hands you cardboard and a sharpie?
These and many other useless and time wasting questions were going through my head as we drove past this poor sad husband and his poor sad wife.
But, the most compelling question comes from A: "Why did she marry that homeless guy in the first place?"
Apparently, all you need to do is occasionally walk around a small island on Great Barrier Reef in Australia and make sure everything is OK. Take pictures, do a little snorkeling, skinny-dipping, then report back to the boss... "Everything is okay boss."
Job comes with free three bedroom house. Bring the kids and grandma.
And the salary for this? US$105,000!!
I'm suspicious... you know the old adage... if it looks to good to be true... it's probably worse than you can imagine. Which leads me to believe that there is a huge catch here that they don't mention.
Personally, I think they're going to be doing some nuclear testing and you're their guinea pig. One day you will be sipping your virgin pina colada and thanking your lucky stars when KABOOM! "Did you feel that earthquake?"
Two days before the lesions appear.
By all means, check out the article. Go ahead, apply.
I'm just saying.
You see before you a picture of a drive-thru Automatic Teller Machine. Nothing unusual about that. But take a closer look...
What is that you see to the left of the keypad? Is that BRAILLE?
I am so pleased that banks make it easy for blind people to DRIVE TO THE BANK to deposit or withdraw their money from the safety and comfort of their CAR.
Most of my family is in New Zealand. If you were able to see my blog counter thingamajig, you would see that I get hits from all over the world. Even Zimbabwe came for a chat.
The Warsaw Pact visited last week. Sputnik came for a lookski and Big Ben popped over for a spot of tea with scones. Kangaroos took a gander by the billabong while Sauerkraut goosestepped over (don't mention the war) to wave hello. Kung Fu Panda handed me a fortune cookie, then Mater gave me some really good tractor tipping... uh... tips.
But I have not received ONE HIT from my relatives in New Zealand. Why? You might well ask. I'm starting to feel a tad ignored. No phone calls over Christmas and now this!
I may have to put an ad in the paper: "Kiwi chick. Pure breed. Available for immediate adoption. Cute and cuddly. Comes when called. Likes children. Will do tricks for food."
C: Mum, do we have any bricks?
C: Do we have any BRICKS?
Moi: Well, I think so. Why?
C: Because A is going to eat them.
She said she'd rather eat bricks than listen to my music. So, I just need to know if we have any, because A has to eat some. And I'm going to make sure she does it. You better get your camera out.
A: (Laughing) OK, where are the bricks?
C: Out there... (shoves her sister out the back door and locks it)
A: (Knock, knock)
C: She can stay out there until she eats ONE brick.
A: (Banging on the door) This is NOT FUNNY ANYMORE!
C: When dad gets home we'll have to listen to his music. Then she'll have to eat FOUR bricks.
Moi: Enough, let her in.
C: FINE! (Flounces to the door and opens it)
A: (Bursts into the room) Mum, I got the door open with this screwdriver!
C: No you didn't. I just UNLOCKED IT!
A: No.... I did it myself! I broke into the house!
C: OK, let me see... (walks out....walks back in) Mum, she took the whole doorknob off! Dad is so gonna kill her!
A: (Walks in) Mum, you guys need to get a new doorknob. This one is rubbish.
Moi: YOU GET YOUR BUM OUT THERE AND PUT THE DOOR HANDLE BACK ON RIGHT NOW!
C: And you still have to EAT that BRICK!
A: (Stomps out)
(Muffled sounds from outside.) Bang, bang. "Crap!"
** This is not a fabricated flight of fancy. I wrote it as it was actually taking place, right in front of me. You think I could make this stuff up?
MM can tell you exactly how many restrooms are closed between work and home during the hours of 5 and 7pm. He can tell you which restrooms have locks and no keys, which ones have surly non-English speaking attendants and which ones are perpetually occupied. He can also predict to a nano second when and where the traffic will slow to a stop, usually at the most torturous and uncomfortable time of bursting desperation.
As is often the case, I had the perfect solution for his daily predicament.
"I have one word for you honey, "Bedpan"."
I was feeling quite proud of myself for solving his problem instantly. I was not prepared for the "are you bonkers?" stare.
"Why are you looking at me like that? It's a perfect solution! Tailor-made for you. It obviously wouldn't work for me. You wait. This time tomorrow you will be WISHING you had a bedpan next to you in the car."
"Well, if you get blood poisoning or whatever you get when your BLADDER EXPLODES, don't CALL ME!"
Some people just won't be helped.
I have been rescued from chocolate deprivation by the half-price sale at Fresh & Easy. Down from a paltry $1.99 to just $1! For ONE POUND bars!
I walked into the store and could barely contain myself when I saw the word: "Reduced". I may have lay down in the clearance bin right then and there if I hadn't seen other people in the store. Stupid witnesses!
Anyway, I decided that now is a perfect time to stock up for our food storage. So I bought five Belgians.
For FOOD STORAGE.
(For those people who think I am going to wait til the kids go to bed, run up to my bedroom, put on my Lucky Ducky pajamas, snuggle in bed with my book, then rip off that wrapper and shove chocolate down my gullet with gay abandon, SHAME ON YOU!)
(A wanted to model the Belgians so I let her... WAIT! Where is Huge Hunk Number Five?)
But I foresaw this attempt (with my third eye) and I thwarted them by hiding it in a fabulous place, known only to myself. I am too good.
Now that they are in bed, I am going to get it; my mouth is eagerly anticipating the velvety smooth chocolateyness.
Wait a minute, where exactly did I put it?
Aarghhhh! I CAN'T REMEMBER!
Rubbish brain! Stupid brain-cell-killing pregnancies! They did it to me!
OK, don't panic... get the yellow pages... look up "Regression Hypnosis".
Mental note: Call first thing in the morning.
All is not lost.